


Why Do You Love Me?

by shaeheda



Category: The 100 (TV), The 100 Series - Kass Morgan
Genre: Angst, Eventual Smut, Slow Burn, There's also smut, and apparently so do I, and were talking full on smut, because it wouldn't be my fic if there wasn't fluff, bellamy sings karaoke for clarke because it's what she deserves, but it's all in the past, clarke and miller are bros, clarke has a lot of shit to work through, clurphy are bros, flashbacks of emotional abuse, it's just gonna take a while to get there, jake is alive, minor clexa - Freeform, minor mention of niylarke, not smut adjacent, roan just likes to stir the pot, she just really needs therapy, there is some minor fluff, there's a happy ending i promise
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-12-07
Updated: 2020-05-25
Packaged: 2021-02-17 22:08:26
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 8
Words: 33,507
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21700510
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/shaeheda/pseuds/shaeheda
Summary: Once upon a time, Clarke Griffin believed in true love. But life isn't a fairytale and there isn't always a happily ever after, at least she didn't think there was until she met Bellamy Blake. But will she let him be the one she didn't know she needed?
Relationships: Anya/Raven Reyes, Bellamy Blake/Clarke Griffin, Clarke Griffin & John Murphy, Clarke Griffin & Nathan Miller, Clarke Griffin & Roan, John Murphy & Bellamy Blake, Minor or Background Relationship(s)
Comments: 50
Kudos: 119





	1. Nice To Meet Ya

**Author's Note:**

> I would like to preface this story by saying that the portrayal of Clexa in this fic is entirely based on my own personal experience and is in no way a reflection of my feelings towards the ship or Lexa’s character. That being said, Lexa is not portrayed kindly and if that bothers you, you don’t have to read. About 90% of the flashbacks are things that actually happened and because of that I went back and forth with the idea of writing this fic for a solid month before I actually started writing it, and I’m still not even sure how I feel about publishing it, but here we are. I hope you enjoy this story (please be gentle and patient with me and this story) 
> 
> I would like to give a most special thank you to [Cass](https://archiveofourown.org/users/animmortalist/pseuds/animmortalist) for basically being my rock throughout this process. This fic wouldn't have been written or published without her encouragement and for that I am forever grateful!
> 
> As always you can find me on tumblr @shaeheda.

Once upon a time, Clarke Griffin believed in true love. If you were to ask her now if love existed she’d laugh in your face and it would be an honest to god laugh. The universe had put her through too much shit for her to have even a sliver of hope that she wasn’t destined for anything but disappointment. She could sit and dwell on the what if’s: what if her parents had never gotten a divorce, what if Finn never cheated on her, most importantly: what if she never met Lexa? It’d be easy to get caught up in how contrasted things would be to what her life was now, but that train of thought didn’t do her any good. She’d be lying if she said she didn’t wish things were different, but this was her reality and she had to accept that. 

It wasn’t like she didn’t have a good life; she did. As she walked to work she thought about how much she loved her bartending job, and her boss, Anya. She couldn’t imagine her life without her friends Monty, Harper, Jasper, Miller, Emori, and Murphy (though she would never admit it to his face). Her sex life was great, well it was until Niylah had called it quits. 

Her sexual frustrations would have to be put on hold for the time being as she walked into work. While the bar wasn’t open yet she found the lack of noise concerning. Usually, Anya had rock music blaring through the speakers by the time Clarke came in, her feeble attempt to put herself in a good mood before the inevitable hipster college kids took control of the jukebox to play their whiny indie music. 

Clarke walked behind the bar and began preparing for the busy Friday night ahead. She noticed Murphy was seated at his usual stool next to his girlfriend Emori with a smug smile on his face. They made quite the pair. When Clarke first met John Murphy he was a colossal pain in her ass and she made sure he knew it. It wasn’t until Murphy introduced her to his girlfriend, that Clarke realized they were actually _friends_. Eventually, her friendship extended to Emori and they became closer than Murphy was admittedly happy about. 

She narrowed her eyes at him and said, “Why do I get the sense I should call the fire department and have them on standby?”.

“Ignore him, I think he’s just happy because he got his friend a job here which doubles his chances of getting free drinks when you’re not around,” Emori answered.

“I wasn’t aware he had friends,” Clarke scoffed.

That got Murphy’s attention. “I thought we were friends Griffin?” he prodded with mock hurt.

Clarke had finished behind the bar and walked around to the tables to start taking down the chairs. “I’m convinced your presence in my life is some sort of karmic punishment for the wrongs I’ve done in one of my past lives.”

“It must have been something truly terrible if he’s your punishment,” an unfamiliar voice said.

Clarke hadn’t noticed the two new additions to the room in the midst of her banter with Murphy. Her task of setting up the chairs now forgotten she couldn’t help but stare at the beautiful man before her. He was a walking Greek god if she ever saw one. His dark and curly hair was begging to be tangled around her fingers, the freckles that scattered his cheeks were a galaxy all their own, and his lips were perfectly plump, hidden momentarily by the swipe of his tongue along his lower lip…Oh, the things that tongue could do to her. She wondered how long it would be before she could no longer resist the urge to paint him or how many times it would take to get his features just right. The handsome stranger had begun to take over setting up the chairs, leaving Clarke in awe of the way his arm muscles flexed–no, she couldn’t. She shook her head slightly trying to regain her composure, thankful that everyone else was too caught up in their own world to notice the way her eyes lingered on him as she made her way over to Anya.

In true Anya fashion, she had gotten to work setting up the registers, not noticing the awkward silence that had taken over the room. Clarke had leaned in close and muttered, “Who’s that?”

Anya glanced over her shoulder, “That’s Bellamy, my new hire.” She wasn’t one to beat around the bush.

“And you’re having him start tonight? You do realize tonight is our busiest night of the week right?” Clarke asked as she folded her arms across her chest.

Clarke received an unimpressed glance from Anya. “You’re right, it is the busiest night of the week, which is why I hired him. It’s my anniversary with Raven and I’m taking her out to dinner so you’ll need the extra hands,” she said, ending the conversation by closing the register drawer and walking away to her office.

Most of the time she loved her taciturn demeanor, idolized it almost, but this, however, was a time in which she wished Anya would just indulge her for five minutes and reassure her that this Bellamy guy was someone she could count on.

She turned around and noticed Murphy had the same smug smile on his face from earlier. “I don’t know what you’re smiling about, your drinking privileges are entirely dependent on how well he does tonight,” she said. 

Walking away, she heard Murphy shout what she assumed was supposed to be a pep talk at Bellamy from across the room but ended up sounding more like a demand to not make him look like a jackass which got a light chuckle out of Clarke as she finished up her opening duties.

The night wore on smoother than Clarke expected. She and Bellamy had danced around each other all night as if they had been working together for years, and Clarke would be lying if she said she didn’t think about how well they might move together in her bedroom any time their shoulders or hands would graze each other at various points throughout the night. He effortlessly stepped in when a customer had gotten upset that he was being cut off which she was grateful for, and that caused her stomach to knot up with guilt for being reluctant to him earlier with Anya. She returned the favor later on in the night when a customer had ordered a bar special that he had no idea how to make. 

“What’s a Rum Blazer?” he asked confused. 

She couldn’t help but smile as she listed off the ingredients for him. 

“That sounds disgusting,” he retorted as he left to go grab the last ingredient.

She watched him walk away and laughed before going back to making drink orders because, yeah, it was really disgusting.

Clarke assured Murphy his drinking privileges were still intact as she walked him to the front door to lock up behind him. She tugged on the chain of the neon ‘open’ sign to turn it off before she exhaled what was probably the world’s longest sigh. 

While Bellamy silently finished up wiping down the tables, Clarke finished balancing the register and placed the money they had made throughout the night into a bag for Anya to sort through later. After she split their tips, she poured two glasses from the Four Roses whiskey bottle she had stashed behind the register. Clarke placed a whiskey glass on top of his share of the tips as he walked up to the bar.

“What’s this?” he asked.

Clarke placed her hands on the bar, thankful that cleaning it off was the first thing she had done after they closed. “It’s your share of the tips and a celebratory drink because you made it through the night,” she said as she held up her glass waiting for him to cheers with her. 

There was a soft clink of glasses before she tipped hers back, not wincing once as she felt the familiar burn of the alcohol glide down the back of her throat. She thought Bellamy might question if this was a regular occurrence or if it was something special she was doing just for him, but she was glad he didn’t because she didn’t know how she would answer.

“So how do you know Murphy?” she questioned as they worked together to put the chairs on top of the tables. Anything to distract her from the way his arms would flex as he lifted a chair or thinking about what they might feel like wrapped around her.

“Let's chalk it up to us being high school friends,” he replied dismissively.

Clake was the type of person that could get anyone to tell her every little secret they had and then when the conversation was over you would suddenly realize you didn’t know a single thing about her. It wasn’t that she didn’t want people to know her, it was just that ninety-eight percent of the time she was convinced anything she shared about her life would be thrown back in her face later on or she might be perceived as dramatic or worse no one would care.

Anyone who knew her knew she wasn’t one to let things go, and this was no different. “Sounds like there’s a lot more to the story than just being old high school friends,” she said hoping to coax it out of him, but he wouldn’t budge. “Oh, come on, it can’t be that bad.”

Bellamy let a huff of reluctance escape his lips, maybe it was the alcohol or maybe it was the way she tilted her head and smiled at him but, the words suddenly just spilled out and he was helpless to stop them. 

“I basically raised my sister growing up, we have different dads and neither of them was really around, our mom was working a lot so it was always just me and Octavia. For a long time, we were really close but eventually, she became a teenager and decided she didn’t need me anymore. One day Murphy invited me to this party and because Octavia didn’t want me to take care of her anymore I said yes. Anyway, the cops got called and Murphy had my back, I mean I was literally in handcuffs, ever since then, we’ve just always been there for each other. I was cashing in on a favor he owed me with this job.” 

Captivated by every word of his her stomach lurched the second he stopped speaking. Granted it wasn’t much of a cliffhanger but her eyebrows shot up expectedly, urging him to finish the thought all the same. 

“But that’s a story for another time,” he said as a playful smile formed and he placed the last chair on the table.

There was such an air of mystery about him and she couldn’t help wanting to know more. It had everything to do with her need to be in control and have the upper hand, the fact that she found him incredibly beautiful had absolutely nothing to do with it.

A broom was placed in his hand and they swept the floor together in comfortable silence. “So how do you know Murphy?”

“That story is not nearly as exciting as almost getting arrested together,” she said letting a laugh escape. Somehow she had answered his question without really answering his question, but before he had the opportunity to ponder it or press her for further details her voice rang out, “Let’s get out of here,” nodding her head towards the door.

She pulled down the door gate and locked it into place before giving Bellamy a curt wave goodbye and turning to walk in the direction of her apartment.

After a second she felt a hand catch her elbow and instinctively she reached for her pepper spray after all this was New York, it wouldn’t be the first time some creep had tried to sneak up on her. Before she could put it to use Bellamy’s gravelly voice eased the tension in her body in a way she didn’t expect. 

“Not that you couldn’t take care of yourself, obviously,” he said gesturing to the pepper spray in her hand, “but I’d be able to sleep better if you let me walk you home, just to make sure.”

Somehow his admission didn’t surprise her, after all, he hadn’t hesitated to step in when things escalated between her and a customer and so, of course, he would be the type to walk with her to make sure she got home safe. 

“Sure,” she said, doing her best to suppress the laugh the threatened to pass her lips. 

She wasn’t going to tell him that she got by just fine walking home by herself nearly every night because she knew that it’d probably be the ammunition he needed to take it upon himself to walk her home every night from here on out, never mind the fact that they were practically strangers.

As they made their way to her apartment they filled the silence with typical small talk, of course mostly led by Clarke. He told her about how he had moved to New York only a few months ago to be closer to his sister after finding out she was pregnant. He told her the story of how he had put himself through college and only planned on working at the bar part-time when he wasn’t substitute teaching, just until he was offered a full-time teaching gig. She tried to ignore the devil on her shoulder telling her this was all just some ruse to gain her trust as if there was some larger diabolical plan at play here. Logically she knew that wasn’t true, that it was just the years of manipulation talking.

In just under 20 minutes they had made it from the bar to the stoop outside her apartment. She could sense his nervousness in the space between them, could see it in the way he rubbed the back of his neck and shifted on his feet. 

“So at the risk of sounding lame, uh, I don’t have many friends and I would feel a lot better if Murphy wasn’t my only friend here… So would you maybe want to hang out sometime?”

She could have said no, should have said no. She already had enough people in her life and letting one more person in was tempting fate, challenging it even. If she let him in she would essentially be tossing a middle finger up to the universe and saying _‘Take him from me, I dare you.’_

“I’ll tell you what, a few of us get together for this game night at my place on Sunday’s. Murphy cooks dinner for all of us and our friend Jasper usually brings some pot brownies, though if you aren’t into that you can just bring your own booze. It starts at 7,” she said against her better judgment before waving goodbye and heading inside, not giving herself time to take the invitation back like the little voice in her head was screaming at her to.

Once she was inside her apartment she tried her best to slow her breathing down. She had done her best to keep her memories at bay when Bellamy had asked to walk her home, but she couldn’t help but be reminded of her first night with Lexa.

_“Mind if I walk you home, Clarke?”_

_Clarke smiled as she took Lexa’s hand in hers “I thought you’d never ask,”_

“No!” Clarke shouted. She hadn’t meant for that to come out loud but she was alone in her apartment so she supposed it didn’t matter really. She made her way to the shower to attempt to wash off the once thin coat of grime from the bar that she felt coat her skin but was now thickened by her memories of Lexa. 

_“Come on Clarke, we’re going to be late if you don’t hurry up!” Lexa said as she swung open the bathroom door_

Lexa never actually spent any time in Clarke’s apartment. They were always over at Lexa’s before eventually finding a place that was theirs, yet somehow remnants of Lexa still lingered. Clarke wondered if she would ever be able to escape short of packing up everything she owns and moving. She didn’t want to give Lexa that kind of power, she already had too much.

_“You know we’d save a lot of time if you would just join me,” Clarke replied cheekily._

_Suddenly the shower curtain was pulled open and her eyes met Lexa’s. “You read my mind,” she said as she stepped in. Their lips met and Clarke found it hard to contain her giggles. With their lips still locked she maneuvered them so that Lexa was now under the stream of water._

She slammed her eyes shut in a feeble attempt to clear the memory. Of course, as more images of them kissing and smiling flashed in her mind she knew it was hopeless. The steady stream of water disguised her tears as she stood there unable to do anything that would make this less of a breakdown and more of a shower. She turned the handle to stop the once-hot but now cold stream. A real shower would have to wait till morning. 

As if on autopilot, Clarke had made her way over to her dresser, but instead of reaching for pajamas like she probably should have, she reached for her painting clothes. She slid them on and made her way to the second bedroom that she had converted into her workspace. She wasn’t paying any real attention to the image forming in front of her, just knowing that it was something to keep her from going down memory lane. As time went on the image became clear, it was her favorite bench in Central Park. The same one she spent so many Saturday mornings at with her dad after their weekly breakfast date. Her breathing had finally evened out as she stepped back from the canvas and spared a glance at the clock on the wall. She decided that while she may not be able to get a good night’s sleep she’d at least be able to get a few hours before she would have to meet her dad at their usual breakfast spot.

* * *

Five hours after her head hit the pillow her alarm was pulling her out of restless sleep. She crawled out of bed and made her way to the kitchen to start her coffee maker before attempting to take a shower more productive than the one last night. Her exhaustion tugged at her muscles with every step she took. 

After she had finished getting ready she placed her empty coffee mug in the sink and decided to take a quick glance at the painting from last night (earlier this morning technically). It wasn’t something she would sell, she couldn’t, it held too much sentimental value. Her dad’s birthday was only a few months away and she decided it would make the perfect gift. If it wasn’t for her dad she wouldn’t even be an artist. He had always supported her love of art and what better way to thank him than to give him a painting of their favorite spot. All that was left to do was to get it framed. 

She walked to the cafe faster than her usual pace to try and make up for the train delay, but even then she was still 5 minutes late. Her dad wasn’t much of a stickler for punctuality, at least not as much as her mom was, but she hated missing even a minute of spending time with him. He was always so busy with work that these weekly breakfasts were all she really had and she wanted to cherish them as much as possible. 

“I’m so sorry I’m late, there was a delay with the–” she said breathlessly.

She knew he wasn’t mad by the way his eyes crinkled when he laughed. “Don’t worry about it, it’s okay. You’re here now and that’s what matters,”

She hugged her dad a little tighter than she intended before she sat down and caught her breath. “So tell me, what’s new with work?”

While she only understood about half of the things her dad talked about, she pretended to follow along just to see the smile on his face. In between bites of food, she would ask him questions about things she didn’t understand just to see him happy for a little bit longer.

They had finished breakfast and made it to their favorite bench to watch people mill about. “So how are things with you, kiddo?” he asked as he wrapped his arm around her shoulders.

“Oh you know same old same old,” she waved her hand dismissively.

“You’re young and you live in the city that never sleeps, I’m sure you’ve got something exciting to share,” he prodded. 

Her first instinct was always to deflect, keep people from getting close enough to take something from her she could never get back, but then her dad flashed a smile at her and any worries she had washed away. The only person able to get her to open up was her dad; he had such a warm manner about him that Clarke envied. As much as she hated to admit it, she always thought of herself more like her mother, cold and closed off. She wasn’t sure if she had always been that way or if it was just a result of her time with Lexa. 

“Well, Anya hired someone new. I worked with him last night and he didn’t do too bad, It seemed like he had some experience so things should go well with that I think,” she said as she leaned into him. “He said he doesn’t really have friends, except for Murphy, so I invited him to game night tomorrow.”

She felt her dad smile as he rested his cheek on top of her head. “Well if Murphy is his only friend you definitely did the right thing by inviting him to game night, the fewer people Murphy influences the better,” he joked.

In all honesty, her dad loved Murphy, loved all of her friends really. In the month following her break up with Lexa, Murphy refused to leave her alone for fear she might do something stupid like take her back, so he invited himself to breakfasts with her dad and the two had formed some strange bond that Clarke was sure she’d probably never understand. 

A sudden chime of her phone notified her that she received a text. She snorted when she pulled it out of her pocket and saw who it was. “Speak of the devil,” she quipped as she tilted her phone screen towards her dad. Texts began to flood in as he went on a rant about his coworker and demanded they blow off some steam at the batting cages. “Well, I guess duty calls."

As much as she hated to, she eventually had to hug her dad goodbye but not before making their pinky promise to see each other at the same time and place next week “Clarke, you’re a great friend, I love that you have such a big heart and want to take care of other people and be there for them but remember to take care of yourself too, okay?” He untangled their pinkies and gave her one last tight hug before they parted ways.

* * *

When Clarke arrived at the batting cages she noticed Murphy leaning against the fence, typing away furiously and for a moment Clarke felt sorry for whoever was on the receiving end of that text. 

She gently kicked in the back of his leg causing his knee to give out. “Hey,” she said with a smile, “not that I don’t want to spend time with you, but isn’t Emori the one you usually call for these sports endeavors? We both know I’m not exactly coordinated,”

They walked over to the cashier to pay for their hour. “She’s out with her cousin Echo, something about a fashion emergency. I don’t know, I kind of tuned her out after she started talking about blouses, besides I think watching you fail to hit a ball for the next hour might actually cheer me up,” he said with a playful smirk.

Clarke gave Murphy a shove before they made their way over to the batting cage. Murphy stepped in first, easily connecting the bat with the ball. 

“So Niylah called it quits,” she said matter of fact.

“What’d you do to scare her away?” he inquired as he hit what probably would have been a home run if they were in a real field.

She scoffed and childishly stuck her tongue out at him even though his back was turned to her. “Very funny, but no,” she said flatly. “She just wanted something more serious and I couldn’t give that to her.” She took the bat from his hands as he stepped out of the cage. “She said she still wanted to be friends, which I assume means she’s still coming to game night tomorrow… Oh, hey, I invited your friend Bellamy to game night. He said something about you being his only friend so I took pity on him and told him he could come.”

Murphy raised an eyebrow. “You sure that’s the only time you’ll be telling him to come?” There was salacious quality to his tone.

“You’re profane, you know that?” she rolled her eyes. She placed the helmet on her head and stepped into the cage. 

With a wiggle of his eyebrows, he retorted, “I think you mean profound,”

Surprisingly, she was able to hit 3 balls which Murphy had equated to her frustration over Niylah dumping her. “She didn’t dump me, we were never together,” she shot back.

He opened the batting cage and took the bat from her grip. “Doesn’t the hooking up get old? Don’t get me wrong, I'm all for you having fun because you need it more than any of us but, don’t you ever think you might want something more?” He sighed.

Clarke pulled the helmet off her head and pushed some of the hair that had fallen out of her bun behind her ear. “It’s not that I don’t want it, it’s that I can’t have it.” She shrugged

“Oh that’s bullshit Clarke and you know it,” he said exasperated. 

Maybe he was right, but maybe’s were also a form of hope and hope either breeds eternal misery or it kills you. She had her fair share of misery, enough to last a lifetime. She didn’t need to invite any more of it into her life. Part of her felt bad, she could tell he wanted so badly to change her mind and make her believe that things could be different for her, but she had years of evidence that said otherwise. Of course, he knew all this, he was her closest friend, he had seen every skeleton in her closet and stuck around in spite of all that. She wouldn’t push her luck by believing that love was something attainable for her or that there might be someone out there who would love her, Lexa made sure of that. 

Murphy knew this wasn’t a battle he would win, they had had this conversation many times before and Clarke was just as stubborn as ever. He threw his hands up in surrender and led the way back to the cashier to return their batting equipment. After handing the equipment over he threw his arm around her shoulders. “You know I just want you to be happy, right?”

“I know,” she said as she smiled and leaned into his embrace. _Me too,_ she thought.


	2. Demons

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Life imitates art... I post this chapter as I get ready to have a game night of my own with my friends. Enjoy!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I would like to preface this story by saying that the portrayal of Clexa in this fic is entirely based on my own personal experience and is in no way a reflection of my feelings towards the ship or Lexa’s character. That being said, Lexa is not portrayed kindly and if that bothers you, you don’t have to read. About 90% of the flashbacks are things that actually happened and because of that I went back and forth with the idea of writing this fic for a solid month before I actually started writing it, and I’m still not even sure how I feel about publishing it, but here we are. I hope you enjoy this story (please be gentle and patient with me and this story)
> 
> I would like to give a most special thank you to Cass for basically being my rock throughout this process. This fic wouldn't have been written or published without her encouragement and for that I am forever grateful!
> 
> As always you can find me on tumblr @shaeheda.

Her kitchen was actually Murphy’s kitchen. The physical location had nothing to do with the ownership because, according to Murphy, a kitchen as beautiful as hers shouldn’t belong to someone who could barely work a microwave. 

Just as she expected, there was a jingle of keys outside her door at four p.m.. She had originally given Murphy a set of keys to her apartment for emergencies only but she should have known he would use them for any instance other than an actual emergency. There were still three hours before people would begin to show up but _‘you can’t rush perfection, Clarke,’_ and his lasagna was perfection.

Clarke knew better than to ask if he needed help, so instead, she grabbed a bottle of wine and poured Murphy a glass before retreating to the living room with two more glasses to gossip with Emori.

“So Murphy said that you and Niylah broke up? Do you think it’ll be weird if she shows up tonight?”

She rolled her eyes because there was no doubt in her mind that Murphy probably told Emori about her ‘break up’ on purpose, knowing it would be brought up tonight.

“We didn’t break up.” God she was starting to sound like a broken record. “Besides, we were friends before we started sleeping together, so I don’t see why we couldn’t be friends after.”

“He also told me you invited Bellamy,” Emori said giving Clarke a questioning look before taking a sip of her wine.

“You guys should work for the CIA, your subtlety is remarkable,” she replied sarcastically.

“Well excuse me for not wanting to deal with sexually frustrated and uptight Clarke, she’s no fun to be around.” 

She couldn’t really be offended considering there was some truth in Emori’s statement and while Clarke knew it came from a loving place she couldn’t help but hear Lexa’s condescending voice in her head.

Murphy’s sudden presence in the room shook the implications of Emori’s words out of Clarke’s head. “So what are we gossiping about?”

“I was just suggesting that Bellamy could be what Clarke is looking for. Maybe.” There it was again, maybe. That maybe would surely breed eternal misery for both of them. 

_‘I’m not looking for anything,’_ Clarke thought. Emori cared, and she couldn’t fault her for that, but a part of her wished everyone would just leave her love life, or lack thereof, alone. 

“Emori, I love you, but you’re wrong. Bellamy is a serial monogamist and Clarke is well, Clarke. It would never work,” Murphy stated as if it were the most obvious thing in the world. 

She tried not to be hurt at his words because really, he had a point. Clarke was the type of girl who wouldn’t allow herself the luxury to even contemplate possibilities, let alone let someone get close enough to spark the thought. Part of her felt like she wasn’t normal, like normal people didn’t think of twenty different scenarios of how things could go wrong if you weren’t careful enough.

But what’s normal anyways?

Clarke stood suddenly. 

“I’m going to the bathroom and I’d really like it if I came back and you were talking about something other than my need to get laid and who it should be with,” she stated. 

She made her way to the master bathroom attached to her room, with her back turned she missed the knowing look Emori sent Murphy. She leaned her head against the door and closed her eyes as soon as the click of the lock reached her ears. A deep exhale escaped her lips before she turned to face her reflection. Her lack of sleep was beginning to show in how bloodshot her eyes were, thankfully Jasper’s pot brownies would provide the perfect cover.

_“Is that what you’re wearing?” Lexa said as she waltzed into the bathroom. “The blue top is more flattering, that one you’re wearing is asking for the wrong kind of attention,” Lexa said nonchalantly as she touched up her lipstick in the mirror._

_“What?” she asked in utter shock._

_The hurt must have been evident on her face because Lexa began to rub her hands up and down Clarke’s arms in an attempt to be comforting, though Clarke was beginning to realize that Lexa didn’t really have a warm demeanor. It was just something she would have to accept because that’s just the way Lexa was and that fact didn’t make Clarke love her any less, after all, you aren’t supposed to want to change the ones you love. Right?_

_“I didn’t mean it like that babe. Tonight is just really important, I need you to look your best and the blue top is my favorite. I’ll give you a couple minutes to change and then we’ll head out okay?” She placed a quick peck on Clarke’s cheek before exiting the bathroom._

Her hand shakily reached for the faucet and turned it on. After splashing some water on her face, her hands gripped the porcelain of the sink hard enough that her knuckles turned white, but she didn’t notice that. The only thing she noticed when she looked at her reflection once more were the tears that threatened to spill. She really should have tossed the stupid blue top the moment she and Lexa broke up, but she didn’t and now she was wearing it and suddenly it was too small, threatening to suffocate her. Hastily she pulled at the hem of the shirt and stripped it off to throw it in the trash can next to the toilet, finally she was able to breathe.

Set with a determination to not let her memories of Lexa ruin her night, she marched over to her closet and picked out a new top to put on. As she slid on a black and white striped shirt she felt relief wash over her. She took one last deep breath before she entered the living room.

“Hey, did you change your shirt?” Emori questioned.

A chuckle escaped Clarke’s throat. “Oh yeah, I spilled some wine on the other one.” The lie came so quick it surprised even her.

There was a knock at the door that took away the opportunity for Clarke to ponder if either one of them believed her. Probably the only good thing to come from her relationship with Lexa was that she developed the skill to lie with ease. It wasn’t something she was proud of, per se, but it came in handy in times like this. She went to answer the door and as she opened it she was surprised to find Bellamy on the other side. 

“I know I’m early, uh, I just—” he shifted nervously on his feet and readjusted his grip on the six pack of beer in his hands. “—I wasn’t sure if you would like, want help setting up or something,” he rambled.

She couldn’t help but laugh as she shut the door behind him and led him to the living room. “Look who was eager to join the chaos of tonight’s festivities.”

Murphy got up from the couch to recruit him for help with the salad and garlic bread. “The only thing the girls are good for is drinking all the wine,” he leaned in to say.

“I heard that, John!” Emori exclaimed.

“You were meant to!” he retorted before placing a hand on Bellamy’s shoulder and leading him into the kitchen.

Eventually, the entire apartment smelled of lasagna and garlic bread causing Clarke’s stomach to grumble. Thankfully, it wasn’t long before Monty and Harper had arrived and let themselves in, which meant Jasper and everyone else wouldn't be far behind. Clarke had introduced Bellamy to Monty and Harper because apparently, Murphy couldn’t detach his lips from Emori’s long enough to do so himself. She could see Bellamy start to relax in the way his shoulders dropped and how quick his smile appeared. _‘I’m not staring at him,’_ she told herself _‘I’m just being a good host by making sure he’s having a good time that’s all’_. God, she was even lying to herself now.

Miller was probably the only one in the group with manners, which is why he knocked when he arrived. When Clarke opened the door she let out a high pitched squeal from the back of her throat that caught everyone’s attention before she wrapped him in the tightest of bear hugs. Miller had been away for the past month, deep in some undercover assignment. Clarke always worried about Miller and the dangers he faced as a cop, but she was able to breathe a sigh of relief for the second time that night now that he was home and safe. After the others had got their turn to welcome Miller home and he had been introduced to Bellamy, Clarke had pulled him into the kitchen to help open another bottle of wine.

She could feel his eyes on her as she searched the drawers for her wine opener.

“I’m gone for a month and you are already trying to replace me?” he asked as he pulled a glass out of the cupboard.

“Hardly,” Clarke snorted, “he started at the bar on Friday and said he didn’t have any friends other than Murphy so I took pity on him.”

Miller looked at her skeptically. “Right and it has nothing to do with the fact that he's basically a Calvin Klein model and you probably want to jump bones.”

“Murphy said he’s a serial monogamist, so if he swings that way he’s all yours,” Clarke said as she pulled the cork from the bottle.

“I didn’t hear a denial you know.” He watched as Clarke poured the wine into his glass first and then her own. “Besides, he looked like a kicked puppy when he saw us hug so even if he did swing that way I know better than to get involved with someone who’s interested in someone else.” 

Clarke rolled her eyes at Miller’s accusation. There was no way Bellamy was interested in her, at least not in the way he was suggesting. Bellamy was new to town and he was looking for friends, that’s all. 

“I come bearing my famous Jasper’s Supreme pot brownies!” There is only one person that voice could have belonged to.

Miller cleared his throat and leaned against the kitchen island.

“Miller! Hey buddy, I didn’t know you were back, look I was just kidding about the pot,” Jasper said as he shifted nervously.

“Relax Jasper, I’m off duty.” She saw Jasper exhale. “As far as I’m concerned those brownies are your grandma’s recipe.” He slapped a hand on Jasper’s shoulder before joining the rest of the group in the living room.

A few minutes later and Niylah, Anya, and Raven had entered the apartment which meant it was finally time to dig into the food. It hadn’t occurred to Clarke until an embarrassingly loud stomach growl escaped her, that in the midst of painting all afternoon she had forgotten to eat. With her too busy eating to lead the conversation it had given Jasper a window of opportunity to bombard Bellamy with questions in his usual nosey and annoying fashion. Bellamy took Jasper’s questions in stride and didn’t once look annoyed, though she assumed that had everything to do with the fact that he was a teacher and patience was a job requirement. 

After dinner was finished everyone put their dishes in the kitchen sink and made their way to the living room. With an odd number of people, splitting up into teams was a bit more difficult than Clarke had anticipated but eventually, they got it figured out. Clarke would be on a team with Bellamy, Miller, Emori, Harper, and Anya. The other team consisted of Murphy, Monty, Jasper, Niylah, and Raven. 

Clarke’s team was up and everyone decided Emori would be up first. She pulled a piece of paper out of the bowl that she and Clarke had set up earlier and tipped the hourglass to start the timer. 

As Emori began to flail her limbs spastically the team began to shout movie titles, but it wasn’t until she made a gesture with her hand that resembled the flick of a wand that Anya got it and shouted out, “Harry Potter!” with about five seconds to spare.

Charades was a loud affair, even without Jasper’s constant screaming of guesses when it wasn’t even his team’s turn. As each of the teams took turns things got more and more intense. The scores were too close for comfort, especially for someone as competitive as Clarke.

“Alright I need sustenance, how about anyone else?” Clarke asked as she got up from the couch.

Bellamy’s voice stood out among the rest, “I’ll help you.” He followed her to the kitchen.

She opened the fridge door and pulled out a bottle of wine along with a couple bottles of beer for the rest of the group. 

“So have we scared you off yet?” she joked.

He smiled and she could have sworn she felt her heart physically skip a beat, nothing metaphorical about it. 

“Wait until you meet my sister, this is nothing.”

The implication hung in the air threatening to shatter the delicate beginnings of their friendship. It felt like she was stuck behind a glass wall, could only hear the muffled voices of others in the distance. He surely hadn’t meant for his statement to have this effect on her, how could he have when he had no idea about the things from her past that lingered behind her like a black hole waiting to swallow her up completely. This wasn’t something that would alarm normal people, but normal hadn’t been in Clarke’s vocabulary for a long time. Normal people made plans, but she knew better.

A soft chuckle was all she could manage. “You haven’t seen Monty and Jasper drunk at the same time.”

“I’m having a lot of fun tonight,” he said as he grabbed the beers out of her hands. “Thanks for inviting me.”

He walked back into the living room giving her only a moment to regain control of herself before the others would notice her absence. It was like his presence and every word he spoke was chipping away at her wall she had worked so hard to build after Lexa. She wanted to take back her invitation to game night and the celebratory drink, all of it, but it was too late for that. Several times throughout the rest of the game various people had chastised Jasper for trying to talk and give clues when it was his turn to act out. By the end of it all, Clarke’s team had won.

There was so much Bellamy didn’t know about Clarke, which was purposeful on her part, but she couldn’t blame him for being a little curious.

“So how did you all meet each other?” he asked.

Clarke wanted to cut in and take control of the situation but she felt her control slip away as Jasper beat her to it. “Well, Monty and I went to high school with Clarke so if you ever want to hear embarrassing stories we’ve got you covered.” 

When he spoke, his voice sounded far off in the distance, like she was encased in a glass box watching all her friends expose figments of her life. None of what they said was particularly damning but it had the potential to be. The more her friends shared with Bellamy the more ammunition he would have to worm his way further into her life. Before she knew it, the metaphorical floodgates of Clarke’s personal life burst open allowing everyone to give their own little anecdotes.

“Clarke and I met at freshman orientation in college, she set Monty and I up,” Harper said.

“I only befriended her so I could get free drinks,” Murphy quipped causing Clarke to roll her eyes.

Niylah had mumbled something about how they used to hook up which Clarke was thankful that everyone in the room had the sense to not comment on or joke about. The history lesson Bellamy was getting was already awkward enough without bringing up her sexual escapades.

“We dated the same guy at the same time, of course neither one of us knew about the other and we got our revenge,” Raven said throwing a wink in Clarke’s direction that made her smile. “She’s the reason Anya and I are together,”

It was obvious that Clarke was at the center of it all, she was what connected everyone. Bellamy used his skills of deduction for the rest of the members of the group. Of course Emori knew Clarke through John and Anya was her boss, which left only one person.

He turned to Miller. “What about you?” he asked with a curious look.

Clarke needed to put a stop to this before things got out of hand. “Oh, Miller and I go way back,” she chastised herself for not coming up with a lie quick enough. Bellamy had already gotten plenty more than she had been willing to share this early on.

Whether that was enough for him or he had taken it as a sign that she wasn’t willing to talk about it for whatever reason, she was relieved, and frankly, she wasn’t really concerned with what that statement might imply. A few moments of awkward silence had passed before the room was filled with the group’s usual banter once again.

She didn’t miss the way Miller looked at her with a sadness in his eyes she hadn’t seen since she was with Lexa and she most certainly didn’t miss the way Bellamy’s eyes always found her, as if to check-in and make sure she was okay. She was not okay in the slightest, but she didn’t need him knowing that.

Slowly people started to filter out and head to their respective homes and after a while it was just Clarke and Bellamy. He had offered to help clean up, and with one look into his eyes she knew this wasn’t a battle she could win, nor did she have the energy to try.

They worked in silence for a while, she washed and he dried. There was a certain domesticity about it that made Clarke nervous. She passed him the last plate before wiping her hands dry and turning to lean against the counter. He carefully placed the dish onto the rack and in that moment it dawned on her that everything he did always seemed so careful and she briefly wondered if he had always been this way or if someone or something _made_ him this way. Much like the way her relationship with Lexa had made her into someone closed off and incapable of loving and being loved.

He turned around to lean against the counter opposite Clarke. “Thanks for inviting me tonight.” 

“You said that already.” She ducked her head and smiled.

“Yeah I suppose I did.” He chuckled. “I guess what I’m trying to say is that I like your friends, they seem like a cool group of people.”

“Even Jasper?” she joked. While she loved Jasper she understood that he could be quite the handful and not necessarily everyone’s cup of tea. Her fondness for him had been instantaneous but she knew that wasn’t the case for everyone.

His laugh was deep and comforting. “Yeah, even Jasper.” He straightened up and started to close the distance between them. “I like you too, you know.”

“You sure about that?” she asked with that self deprecating tone she was famous for. 

He placed his arms on the counter behind her, he was so close now, standing directly in front of her. 

“You tell me,” he said before leaning in and placing his lips on hers.

Ever since the first time they met she had thought about what it might be like to kiss him and now she finally was. Her hands made their way up and tangled themselves in his dark curls and it was everything she imagined it would be and yet it was so much more. He wrapped his arms around her and began to lift her up. Her legs instinctively wrapped themselves around his waist as he lifted her up onto the counter for leverage. In between kisses she swiftly tugged on the hem of her shirt pulling it up over her head. He looked down to look at her now exposed chest and smiled, he actually fucking smiled, and when his eyes returned to her they were lit with desire. 

She slid her hands under his shirt and let her fingers run along his abs momentarily before she began to pull his shirt off.

_Lexa unlocked the door to her apartment and pulled Clarke in, placing chaste kisses along her jaw before meeting her lips._

Clarke pulled him in closer to deepen their kiss, trying her hardest to will the memories of Lexa away.

_They stumbled back to Lexa’s room and with a light push Clarke was lying on the bed looking up at Lexa with a soft smile and a gleam in her eye. Lexa stripped Clarke of her blue top and climbed on top of her, she began to trail kisses from her neck and down her stomach..._

She tried her best to pretend she wasn’t completely falling off the deep end, but as his kisses trailed down her neck and it was beginning to feel all too familiar. She placed her hands on his chest and with a light shove let the distance between them provide her comfort. 

“Wait, stop,” she said trying her best to catch her breath. It wasn’t only her breath she was trying to catch. She tried her damndest to catch her sense of self, regain some composure. 

“What is it? Did I do something wrong?” he asked with a hint of worry, as if the reason for her pulling away might have been something he had done. Of course it wasn’t, this was all her and her inability to shut her mind off for more than five seconds.

“No, nothing, uh, I just—” she took a deep breath “—I think maybe things are moving a little fast, I think maybe we should just focus on being friends.”

If she were to look into a mirror right now there’s no way she would be able to recognize herself. She wasn’t this person, the kind of person that stopped a hook up in progress, that used the excuse _‘too fast’_. Here she was letting a combination of Murphy’s words from earlier and her memories of Lexa dictate her life.

Bellamy took a step back as Clarke reached behind her for her shirt and put it back on. “I’m sorry, it’s just...” she stopped herself before she told him something she might later regret. She barely knew him and she refused to use Lexa as an excuse for something that was her fault.

“No, it’s okay. You have nothing to be sorry for, if you want to just be friends I’m cool with that, I didn’t tell you I like you just to get into your pants, I meant it,” he said reassuringly.

She spared a glance at him and saw his sincerity. She was thankful he wasn’t the type of person to get angry or try and get her to talk about what it was that was bothering her, he respected her boundaries. It was almost enough to make her regret deciding to not hook up with him. She nodded her head in understanding and hopped off the counter.

“Tonight was fun, but I should probably get going, I’m subbing for a class of high school freshman tomorrow,” he said as he shoved his hands into his pockets. “But I’ll see you at the bar on Wednesday.”

“Yeah okay,” she tried her hardest to not let him hear the tremble of her voice. “I’ll see you on Wednesday, and good luck with those freshman, though something tells me you won’t need it,” she joked.

“Bye Clarke,” he said with a laugh. She didn’t trust her voice and so she offered a wave goodbye.

As she locked the door behind him a heavy feeling of loneliness washed over her. She contemplated retreating to her work space to paint, but she just didn’t have the energy. Instead she crawled into bed, not bothering to change out of her clothes. She tossed and turned restlessly for hours throughout the night trying to will the images of Lexa’s kisses trailing down her body out of her mind, to keep them from bleeding into her memories of her kiss with Bellamy. He was nothing like Lexa, and she knew that. Her mind was playing tricks on her, trying to convince her that things wouldn’t be any different with him or couldn’t, if Clarke would just try a little bit harder to make things work with Bellamy, if she had just done a little more to make Lexa happy and gave a little more of herself they could have worked. 

That wasn’t the reality and sure Clarke knew that, but it didn’t stop the voice in her head from lulling her to sleep whispering _‘what if’s’_.

  
  
  
  



	3. Dancing On Glass

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy New Year! I just want to thank everyone for reading this story and giving it kudos and commenting on it, it means more than you know. I know it's been a while since I last posted, but I was busy writing some fluffy one shots for secret santa, one of which is Clurphy fic that has been posted and the other will be posted in a couple of days. Anyways, we are going to ring in the new year with one of my favourite chapters (even though time is a social construct). I hope you enjoy :)
> 
> I would like to give a most special thank you to Cass for basically being my rock throughout this process. This fic wouldn't have been written or published without her encouragement and for that I am forever grateful!
> 
> As always you can find me on tumblr @shaeheda.

Clarke was never more grateful to wake up on Monday morning and realize she had the day off. She spent nearly the entire day painting, hoping that something would be good enough for Lincoln to sell at the gallery.

By the time Tuesday rolled around she felt refreshed, well as refreshed as she could considering her life was threatening to fall apart at the seams. _‘Stop being so dramatic, Clarke’_ she thought, though at this point she wasn’t sure if the voice in her head was hers or Lexa’s. In an attempt to drown out her thoughts she hit play on her playlist and let the upbeat melody of ‘New Shoes’ by Paolo Nutini a song that never failed to put her in a good mood. 

She spent the morning leading up to her shift dancing around her bedroom getting ready to the likes of Depeche Mode, ABBA, and The Cure. By the time she was leaving her apartment and walking to the bar she was on cloud nine and there was nothing that could bring her down. She walked into the bar with a smile on her face which was apparently an invitation for Roan to start teasing her.

“Someone looks awfully chipper today,” Roan said with more of an accusatory tone.

“Well I was until I realized I’d be working with you, now the day has gone to shit,” she shot back.

“Seeing me is the best part of your day and you know it,” he retorted back.

She stuck her tongue out at him before turning to set up her side of the bar as he worked on unloading the shipment of alcohol that had arrived earlier that day. 

Roan was placing the last of the alcohol on the shelf when Clarke returned with the register drawers from the back. “So Anya tells me we have a new hire, and that you invited him to your little game night.”

“Don’t think I don’t know what you’re trying to get at,” Clarke rolled her eyes at him. He had the audacity to look oblivious which only left her with a hankering to clear the air.

“I don’t know what you mean, I’m just trying to get caught up on the newest development in your life,” he said innocently.

Clarke couldn’t help but scoff, unwilling to take her attention off of setting up the register, she was too afraid to look him in the eye and possibly have him see he might be onto something with his line of questioning. “Bellamy is just a new hire and he’s new to town, said he didn’t really have any friends, so I was just trying to make him feel welcome by introducing him to a few people,” she said nonchalantly.

“Oh, I bet you made him feel _really_ welcome.” She could hear the accusation in his voice. “How does Niylah feel about you being so welcoming?”

Apparently, there was nothing private about her private life. “Do you have no sense of boundaries?” she asked.

“I find them restricting,” he stated simply. 

She knew he would likely keep interrogating her the more she fought to keep things to herself. “Of course you do,” she snorted. “Niylah and I are just friends, and so are Bellamy and I for that matter,” she said, unsure if she really found her statement as convincing as it should have been.

“Who are you trying to convince, me or yourself?” he laughed.

Damn him and his ability to read her so easily. “Shut up, Roan.”

Of course, he’d find the humor in her turmoil. “How much are you willing to bet you sleep with him by the end of next week?”

“We are _not_ betting on my sex life,” she said in exasperation. 

“Oh come on Griffin, live a little,” he said with a wink before turning his attention to their first customer of the day.

The implication of his words that she didn’t know how to have fun ate away at her a little, she knew how to have fun. Right? “I know how to have fun, I can be fun,” she said with eyebrows raised once he returned.

“I know you can trust me, you just get too much in your head sometimes,” he said more seriously. “Like now, for instance, I wouldn’t be surprised if Joe at the end of the bar could hear you thinking.” He cocked his head towards the patron he had just finished serving moments earlier.

She knew he was exaggerating, but that didn’t stop her from looking at the end of the bar for any indication that Joe might have any perception as to what was going on in her head.

The rest of the night passed uneventfully, with the exception of a fight that Roan had to break up about an hour before they closed. While he worked on splitting their tips and balancing the registers Clarke swept the floor to the sounds of No Doubt, though it was Roan’s choice she wasn’t complaining. She caught him singing along a couple of times throughout the night and not once did he look ashamed, even after a year of working together, he still found ways to surprise her.

After she finished sweeping she walked over to the bar to collect her share of the tips. “I’m sure I don’t need to tell you but, it’d be in your best interest not to share what we talked about with anyone, especially Bellamy,” she said, trying her best to sound threatening as she placed her tips in her pocket. By the look on Roan’s face, it hadn’t landed. 

He walked around the bar and began to put the chairs up. “Don’t worry Griffin, your secret crush is safe with me,” he said with a wink.

“I don’t-” she stammered trying to find the right words to make him believe her. “That’s not-” she huffed. It was no use trying to convince him when she wasn’t even sure she could convince herself. Instead of fighting him she just rolled her eyes.

In a matter of minutes, they had finished putting up the chairs and made their way outside into the brisk fall night. Clarke pulled down the door gate and secured the lock. They stood there in silence and Roan looked at her as if he could tell there was something on her mind. He wasn’t wrong.

“Look, am I attracted to Bellamy? Yes, but that doesn’t mean anything is going to happen, it can’t happen,” she took a deep breath before continuing. “In the wise words of Murphy _‘he’s a serial monogamist and I’m me, it wouldn’t work’_ , and it’s not like I need another failed relationship, not that we’d be-” she looked down at her feet. “I guess what I’m trying to say is, starting anything with Bellamy would probably end horribly because let’s face it, I don’t have the best track record when it comes to happy endings.” She looked in his eyes for some sort of understanding.

He shoved his hands in his jacket pockets and took a deep breath as he stepped forward. “Not everyone is Lexa and not every relationship is destined to end in disaster, I think you should give him a chance.”

“You haven’t even met him, what makes you think I should give him a chance?” she asked.

He leaned in. “Because if you guys hook up by the end of next week you owe me fifty bucks,” he said with a smile before he turned to walk away.

“We’re not betting on my sex life!” she shouted a little louder than intended. As she walked home she began to ponder the possibility that maybe…. No, she couldn’t, maybe’s were too dangerous.

* * *

Clarke woke up to the unpleasant sound of her phone ringing. She refused to open her eyes and fall victim to the burn of daylight as she reached around her nightstand to quiet the incessant ringing. _’Where the hell is it?’_ she thought. Eventually, her hand landed on the object in question and she carelessly tapped her phone screen to answer. 

“If you aren’t dying you’re about to,” she greeted.

“Murphy was right, you really aren’t a morning person,” Raven said.

“What do you want Raven?” she huffed.

“I need you to tell me what I should get Bellamy for his birthday.”

It was obvious that Clarke wasn’t going to be able to brush Raven off. She sat up and tried to rub the sleep from her eyes. “Isn’t his birthday like two months from now?”

Murphy had sent out a group text at the beginning of the week to inform everyone of Bellamy’s upcoming birthday and that he would require their attendance. Since then she had done nothing but think about what she would get him. She didn’t want to get him something too sentimental for fear that he might read into it and make it something that she wasn’t prepared to deal with, but she wanted to get him a gift that would let him know just how important he was to her and how much she appreciated his friendship.

“Have you met Bellamy?” she said bemusedly. “I need as much time and help as possible, and I’m not the only one freaking out, Jasper called me yesterday on the verge of a panic attack, though I think that had to do with a bad batch of brownies more than anything, anyway, the point is we need your help.”

She sat up and contemplated for a moment. Why had Raven called her? Why not turn to Murphy? He had known Bellamy a lot longer than Clarke. “Why are you calling me?” she questioned. “Murphy knows him a lot better than I do.”

“Because I already talked to Murphy and he’s being an ass,” she sighed, “ _do I have to do everything myself, Reyes?”_ She did her best Murphy impression which got a laugh out of Clarke. “Besides, not to get all mushy or whatever, but like you’re thoughtful and really good at giving gifts, so will you help us please?”

Raven knew the quickest way to get Clarke to agree to something was to butter her up with compliments, so as predicted she agreed to help. She had given Raven a couple of ideas to share with the rest of the group, though she still had no idea what she would get him, thankfully she had two months to do some recon and figure it out. 

After she hung up with Raven she wanted nothing more than to close her eyes and let sleep take pity on her, but she glanced over at the clock on her dresser and realized it was time for her to get ready to meet her mom for lunch. 

On her way to the cafe, she found herself preparing for the worst. It wasn’t that she didn’t love her mom, she did, it was just that Abby had a way of making Clarke feel like she wasn’t doing enough like she couldn’t be content just making art. For a while after the divorce things between Abby and Clarke were strained, probably because she had always gotten along with her dad more than her mom and a part of Clarke felt like she had to choose which side to take. Before the ink was dry on her parents' divorce papers she had decided to finish out her senior year living with her dad. Needless to say, her mom hadn’t taken it well. Things had eventually gotten better after her mother married Marcus, something about him relaxed her mom and for that she was thankful. Of course, Abby still had her moments, after all, change doesn’t happen overnight. She knew that better than anyone.

Clarke arrived at the cafe first and breathed a sigh of relief that her mom wouldn’t be able to chastise her for being late. She didn’t have to wait long for Abby to arrive, she unconsciously straightened her posture as she saw her mom walk through the door. 

“Hi honey, sorry I’m late, my surgery ran long,” Abby said as she sat down. “I hope you weren’t waiting too long,”

“It’s okay, I get it,” Clarke said with a polite smile. “And no I wasn’t waiting long, but I went ahead and ordered your usual,” she fidgeted nervously.

“Oh perfect,” Abby smiled. There was a moment of awkward silence that passed between them before she spoke again. “So how are things going with your art?”

Clarke could hear the sincerity in her voice and she could tell that her mom really was trying, but it didn’t stop her nerves from creeping up in her veins. She tried her best to control the shakiness in her voice and she only hoped that her mom wouldn’t notice (doubtful).

“Good, I actually just sold a couple of pieces earlier this week.” She felt a wave of relief wash over her when she saw the waitress approach with their food, thankful for the distraction.

“That’s wonderful, Clarke,” she heard Abby say. She wasn’t sure if her mind was playing tricks on her but she could have sworn she heard a twinge of disappointment in her mom’s voice, almost as if she wanted Clarke to fail so that she could be right and say _‘I told you so’_. 

Conversation with her mom wasn’t easy or natural, it often felt like she was getting her teeth pulled but that didn’t stop her from trying. She wasn’t sure why but no matter how hard things with her mom were she always sought validation and approval from her. “How’s Marcus?” she asked.

Ever so polite, Abby finished chewing before she spoke. “He’s doing great, settling into the mayor’s office nicely,” she took a sip of her water, “how are your friends? How is working at the cafe going?”

Clarke had to refrain from rolling her eyes. Abby knew exactly where Clarke worked, yet for appearances refused to acknowledge such “Everyone’s good, and the bar-” Clarke politely corrected her, “-is good, Anya hired someone new, I got to work with him last week, he seems nice,”

Abby nodded along “Are you dating anyone these days?”

Clarke felt the tension course through her muscles. Her sexual orientation and by extension her dating life had always been a touchy subject between her and her mom. Abby didn’t verbally disapprove of Clarke being bisexual, it was more in the way she looked at her when she asked about her dating life as if her entire world would shatter along the future she had planned for Clarke if she wasn’t with a man. 

“I’m actually taking a break from dating for a while, trying to focus more on my art,” she said as she pushed the food around her plate, not daring to make eye contact.

“Clarke, honey, your life can’t be all about art,” she could almost hear the words on Abby’s tongue that threatened to spill _‘art is nothing more than a hobby,’_

Surely there was more to Abby’s lecture and for a brief moment, Clarke wondered if it would be worth it to address the elephant in the room if it was worth the energy to bring up the fact that Abby would never be happy with Clarke’s life choices. After some contemplation, Clarke decided she couldn’t take it anymore “And why not? What if art is what makes me happy? Why isn’t that enough?”

“We aren’t having this conversation now, people are starting to stare,” Abby said defiantly. Clarke shook her head in disbelief. She shouldn’t have expected anything less because of course, Abby was more concerned with appearances than her own daughter’s happiness. There really wasn’t a need to have the conversation now because they had had it so many times since Clarke had told her mom she was switching majors, that Clarke could play it out in her head word for word. 

The rest of their lunch was spent filled with polite small talk that neither one of them cared about, but it beat the alternative silence that made Clarke uncomfortable. 

After they were finished with their meals and they were paid for, Clarke said her goodbyes to her mom accompanied by an awkward hug and a tentative promise to see her at the same time next week.

* * *

By the time she got to the bar for her shift, Clarke was on edge. The walk from the cafe wasn’t long, but it gave her enough time to replay the conversation with her mom three times over-analyzing every fake smile and false encouragement. It even allowed her to contemplate if she was being dramatic, making it all up, but just once before she decided her frustration was valid. 

Clarke stepped into the bar and was comforted by Anya’s angry rock music. She got straight to work forgoing pleasantries, those had been wasted on her mother. She wasn’t sure if Bellamy could sense her frustration, but if he did, she was thankful he didn’t ask about it. 

Much like their first night, working together was effortless. Anya must have taught him how to make bar specials because he hadn’t bothered her for a drink recipe once the entire night. A mix of pride and sadness swirled through her chest. If there was one thing Clarke needed it was to be, well needed. It gave her a sense of purpose, but more importantly, it was a distraction. If she was too busy being needed and tending to other people that was less time she spent focusing on herself, and in her opinion, the less time the better. 

The night passed by painfully slow despite the fact that the bar was packed with people. Clarke wanted nothing more than for this day to be over. With her patience thinner than normal, she was grateful Bellamy had stepped in at various times throughout the night to deal with rude customers so she wouldn’t have to.

Once the last customer left she could finally breathe for what felt like the first time that day. Bellamy had begun to wipe down the bar as she worked on balancing the register. The silence tonight was thick and laced with her guilt. She prided herself on being someone who could compartmentalize, but tonight she had let her mom get the best of her. 

“I feel like I should apologize,” she said finally breaking the silence “I didn’t mean to be rude or uncongenial tonight,”

“It’s okay,” was all he said.

“I just don’t want you to think that it had anything to do with you or what happened Sunday night,” she explained further.

He stopped wiping down the bar and made eye contact with her. “So what is it then?” 

She had to know a part of him was probably blaming himself for her surly attitude tonight. When she met his eyes a pool of dread began to fill in her stomach. This is what she was trying to avoid _‘make up an excuse, anything but the truth’_ the voice inside her head screamed. “I, uh, had lunch with my mom earlier, we don’t have the easiest relationship and I guess I just let it get to me.” Suddenly a weight was lifted off her chest, albeit a small one, but it was suddenly easier to breathe. “I’m usually better about it, not letting her get to me, I mean.”

“I get it,” he said with a smile, that stupid smile, she was sure if she stared at it long enough it could probably get her to tell him about every skeleton in her closet. “They can’t all be good days.” 

God, she was so screwed.

“She just doesn’t really approve of the whole starving artist working in a bar, not that I’m actually a starving artist, which she would know if she ever came to a show,” as her word vomiting continued she felt the tension slowly leave her shoulders, “it’s not that I don’t love her, because I do, but she just makes things so difficult sometimes and I-” she looked up to see him looking at her intently and suddenly every alarm was going off in her head screaming at her to stop, that she was sharing too much. “Sorry, I don’t mean to unload on you like that.”

His eyes went wide like he was worried that something about his demeanor had scared her off or made her think she couldn’t confide in him. “No, it’s okay, really, you don’t have to apologize, it’s what friends are for, right?” He offered her a reassuring smile not daring to move in case she was willing to share more.

“Yeah, I guess you’re right,” she watched as a smile reappeared on his face, suddenly he was more beautiful than ever. “And that’ll probably be the only time you hear me say it, we can’t have your ego getting too out of control,” she joked as she picked a rag up off the bar and threw it at him.

Suddenly his eyes lit up “This is probably really cheesy, so much so that you’ll probably laugh at me, just know that’s my intention,” he said before he turned and headed towards the jukebox. “After one of her depression episodes my mom would play this song while she danced in the kitchen making pancakes, she couldn’t cook for shit and I usually ended up taking over, but this song always made her smile,” he explained as he fiddled with the buttons trying to find the song he was looking for.

A moment of silence passed before a melody began to flow through the speakers. She’d never seen him look so nervous as he stood there trying to gauge her reaction. It took a while before she was able to recognize the song, but once she did she couldn’t help but chuckle.

Her smile must have been a stamp of approval because suddenly he grabbed the broomstick from its resting place against the jukebox and began to lip-sync dramatically to ‘The Promise’ by When In Rome. 

_‘If you need a friend, don't look to a stranger_

_You know in the end, I'll always be there_

_But when you're in doubt, and when you're in danger_

_Take a look all around, and I'll be there’_

He made his way over to her not missing a single beat or word for that matter, she had to admit it was impressive. With just the foot of the bar in between them he theatrically reached out for her and she playfully slapped his hand away as she laughed. As the song went on she found herself forgetting about the stressful lunch she had with her mom, and she supposed that was his intention. She watched him in awe, admiring how carefree he was at this moment, wishing she could be that blithe. 

_‘_ _I'm sorry, but I'm just thinking of the right words to say_

_I know they don't sound the way I planned them to be_

_But if you'll wait around awhile, I'll make you fall for me_

_I promise, I promise you I will’_

The song came to an end and she couldn’t help but give him the applause and cheers he deserved. He laughed as he took a bow. “So, was that a one night only thing or will that be a nightly occurrence?”

“One night only, definitely,” he said

“Guess I’ll just have to close my eyes and replay your performance the next time I need a pick me up, lucky for me I have an excellent memory.” The implications of her words suddenly hit her as she saw a smirk appear on his face. She ducked her head in an attempt to hide the deep red developing on her cheeks, though she would bet it didn’t do much good. 

Nobody had ever really done anything like that before and his performance wasn’t a grand gesture by any means, but she’d be lying if she said it didn’t mean something. Most of her friends knew that when it came to her mom Clarke found it easiest to stew in anger for a couple of hours, paint out her frustrations, and then pretend like it never happened. But Bellamy didn’t know that part of her, the part of her behind the facade of everything being fine, at least he hadn’t until now. It was just one more thing about their relationship that scared her. She was sure she would eventually reach full-blown panic at some point and she just hoped that she would be strategic enough that it wouldn’t have to come to that.

Each of them finished their closing duties with matching smiles on their faces. They made their way out of the bar and Clarke secured the door gate, just as she had done so many times before, only this time she willed time to go by slower if only to be in his presence a little bit longer. She hesitated slightly before letting go of the lock and turning to face him.

He had both hands in his pockets and he was fidgeting slightly. “So, I don’t want to overstep, but I’d like to walk you home if you’re okay with that.” 

“My intuition tells me you’d worry so much you’d probably give yourself a stroke if I said no,” she joked. She saw him chuckle and shake his head slightly. She smiled back. “Come on,” she motioned for him to follow her. 

As he walked her home she thought about how she had tried to keep him at a distance but ultimately failed. He was in her life now and if the universe wanted to take him from her, well, it’d have to pry him from her cold dead hands.


	4. Your Body Is a Weapon

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I would like to give a most special thank you to Cass for basically being my rock throughout this process. This fic wouldn't have been written or published without her encouragement and for that I am forever grateful!
> 
> As always you can find me on tumblr @shaeheda.
> 
> Aaaaaand here we have the smut chapter. Shoutout to my best friend and roommate, she helped take this chapter from smut adjacent to full-on smut, so enjoy!

For the entirety of the walk back to her apartment they filled the silence with easy and playful banter. Things had never been so easy for Clarke, she knew eventually it would all come crashing down but she couldn’t find it in her to care. At least not tonight. 

They were just a few short steps away from the stoop of her apartment building before she broached the subject. “Do you want to come up, maybe have a drink or watch a movie?” she asked trying her best to disguise the nervousness in her voice.

“Yeah I’d love to.” She could have sworn she saw his eyes light up in response before any real words left his mouth.

She couldn’t help but chuckle at his eagerness, but Bellamy wasn’t the only one that was eager. As soon as she was able to get her front door unlocked she turned around and quickly pulled him inside her apartment by the collar of his shirt. She flung her door shut and suddenly the outside world didn’t exist. She surged forward and locked her lips onto his. Something about this kiss was different from the first. Their first kiss was inquisitive and bold, and everything about this kiss was lustful. In a backward trek, she led him to her bedroom and if it wasn’t for the distraction of his lips on hers she might have noticed that they made it to her bed instead of nearly falling onto the mattress when she felt it hit the back of her legs. 

They had pulled apart long enough for her to snake her hands underneath his shirt and lift it up over his head. She reveled in the sight of his abs for a moment with hungry eyes, he was more beautiful than any greek god or Calvin Klein model she could dream up. He stepped closer and his hands found the hem of her shirt, ripping it up over her head with quick enthusiasm. He placed a hand at the back of her head to pull her in for a kiss, that was intense and laced with desire. 

Ever the multitasker, Clarke worked quickly to undo his belt buckle as she lifted one leg on the bed behind her and hoisted herself up onto the mattress on her knees, not once breaking their heavy and passionate kiss. She had gotten his pants off in record time and her hands had started to pull at the elastic of his briefs. Bellamy placed his hand on top of hers to stop her before pulling away.

“Let’s take care of you first,” he said answering her look of confusion.

With one hand he unbuttoned her jeans, letting his eyes roam and commit every curve of hers to memory. She had never felt sexier than at that moment she saw his eyes darken with lust. 

In one swift motion, he pulled her legs out from under her causing her to fall onto her back. A coy smile fell upon Clarke’s lips as she backed away from him moving further up the bed, daring him to chase after her, like some version of cat and mouse. Bellamy crawled after, but instead of going in for a kiss like she thought he might he instead removed her pants, flashing her a devilish smile in the process.

Once her pants had been discarded on the floor he leaned closer to pepper kisses along her jaw. She could have sworn she heard him speak but she couldn’t focus on the words, catching only  _ ‘damn’ _ and  _ ‘sexy’ _ fall out of his mouth. All she could focus on was the shiver that coursed through her body each time his lips made contact with her skin. She felt his kisses trail down her neck before they spread across her chest. His fingers grazed her bra strap before pulling it down far enough to expose her left breast. He placed his hand underneath as his tongue flicked lightly over her nipple.  She arched her back slightly as if to give him permission to put more of her breast in his mouth, and so he did. He sucked hard enough Clarke was sure it’d leave a bruise which caused a moan to escape from the back of her throat. She felt his mouth smile against her skin as he continued to trail kisses down her stomach but not once removing his hands from her breasts. The closer he got to her pussy the harder it was for her to control the sounds that escaped her throat, but of course, he took his time drawing out every kiss he placed on her.

“Bellamy,” she cried out unable to take his teasing any longer.

He stopped and looked into her eyes and ever so confidently said, “the wait will be worth it, I promise.”

Something about the softness in his voice calmed her. She still craved him intensely, but she found herself appreciating his pace. It was a fine line between agony and gratification and he walked it beautifully.

His fingers traced the top of her satin underwear as he placed a gentle kiss to her inner thigh. He looked at her as he hooked a finger around the waistband and pulled them off, carelessly tossed them in the same direction as her jeans. 

He placed his hands on her knees to push her legs apart. “Fuck, you’re so wet,” he said before bending down and lightly tracing his tongue up towards her clit.

The first night they met Clarke briefly thought about what it would be like to have his tongue on her and all the things he would do with it, of course, she never imagined it would be like  _ this _ . The swift motion of his tongue brought her just a little bit closer to the edge. He had to wrap his arms around her thighs just to keep her in place. She saw Bellamy look up at her through eyelashes and god he looked so fucking smug it infuriated her, but then his thumb was running circles over her clit and she could no longer think straight. 

Clarke squirmed slightly under the intense heat of his gaze and quick work of his tongue muttering something along the lines of  _ ‘god, yeah, just like that’ _ though she couldn’t be sure because everything was starting to get hazy in a way that told her she’s close to dissolving completely.

He must have been able to tell how close she was by the way her back arched and her hands tugged on his hair slightly, as if she’s trying to brace herself for the fall. He removed his mouth and slowly inserted two fingers into her pussy. A moan sounded from the back of her throat as he kissed his way back up her body, almost as if his lips were on a quest to find hers. When they finally did she could faintly taste herself on him and it was the most intoxicating thing she’s ever experienced.

The faster his fingers thrust in and out the more she teetered on the edge. His breath was hot on her neck when she heard him command, “come for me,” and so she did. Words of encouragement left his lips as she descended into ecstasy.

“That’s it, I’ve got you,” he said reassuringly.

Bellamy was still in her bed, laid next to her, and yet she wanted him closer. Their proximity just wasn’t enough, so she hastily flung him onto his back, straddling his hips. She felt him pulsing with arousal through the thin fabric of his briefs. Her hips grinded against him appreciating the length of his cock.

She pushed off of him sitting back and slightly hovering over his thighs to allow herself room to swiftly pull off the only barrier between them. His last remaining defense. Her eyes widened as he sprung out.

“Well aren’t you eager?” he said teasingly.

Her eyes dragged down his body and took note of how hard his cock was before she slowly let her eyes drift back up to meet his piercing stare 

“I could same the same thing about you,” she shot back as she cocked an eyebrow at him. 

“Well then what are we waiting for?” he quipped back.

She leaned over and reached into her nightstand drawer for a condom. She looked at him lustfully as she ripped open the package, rolling it down his shaft. She held him firmly in her hand, positioning him beneath her, slowly sinking down taking him inch by inch. As soon as she settled onto him fully she hears his breath hitch, nearly sending her over the edge. She was full of him now, not just physically but also in the sense that she was empty before and now suddenly she felt complete like he was the missing piece she’d always needed. If she was honest with herself she had thought about this exact moment on more than one occasion but never was it this perfect. Never did she imagine that he would fill her up in such a way that was as exhilarating as this. 

Heat spread from where his hands had gripped her waist to steady her, selfishly she never wanted him to let go. She placed her hands on his torso for balance as she rode him. On more than one occasion a grunt escaped from the back of Bellamy’s throat.

Her hands slid up and her nails scratched his chest each time she slid down on his cock.

“God you feel so good inside me,” she moaned.

Her words must have been the rousing he needed to take initiative and change positions. He briskly flipped her onto her back. He grabbed her leg and wrapped an arm around it so he could get the angle just right before he started to thrust deep into her. She didn’t think he could go any deeper, but he proved her wrong. 

His panting synced with hers as they fell into a steady rhythm. Everything about the way he fucked her was electrifying, every grunt had her skin buzzing and every stroke of his set her nerve endings on fire. With the exertion and at the way he looked at her, her heart beat rapidly. Her eyes fluttered as she felt a pull in her stomach with the beginnings of another orgasm. 

Moans spilled out of her and he picked up his pace.

“Fuck, you’re so incredible,” his voice was low and strained and it  _ did things _ to her. If she didn’t have a praise kink before, she sure did now. 

He rocked his hips into her and it was like nothing she’s ever felt before. She didn’t want this night to end and though she tried to hold out, just a little bit longer, she was powerless when his hand found her clit and started to rub tantalizing circles. 

It was a bunch of little things all at once that put her on the brink of an orgasm. It was in the way his hand pressed down on her hip firmly, in the way his eyes locked on hers, and in the end, it was the way he leaned down to trail kisses up her neck. All culminating as he thrust into her deeply that caused her to lose control. 

He dropped her leg and sunk down so that his forehead met hers. As their breaths passed through each other she wrapped her legs around him to keep him from moving, unable to bear the loss of him, at least not yet. With slow strokes, he helped ease her back down into the afterglow of her orgasm. 

“Wow,” was all he could manage, still clearly out of breath. Clarke agreed with the sentiment.

All too soon he pulled out and got up to dispose of the condom. She felt the loss of him and it twisted her gut in a funny way that she was not ready to analyze yet. When he returned he flopped down beside her on the bed and moved to wrap his arms around her and pull her close to his chest. Everything about his embrace was warm and halcyon. It wasn’t long before sleep claimed her.

* * *

Clarke was not a morning person by any means. Part of the appeal of working at a bar was that she didn’t have to be awake before eleven a.m. Now, strangely enough, she found herself up before eight a.m. and it could only be attributed to Bellamy being in her bed. It had been so long since she’d slept in a bed with someone that the realization and weight of him lying next to her was enough to spark a fragment of anxiety and panic in her mind. She spared a glance at his sleeping form and everything about him looked so peaceful. God she wished she could just reach out to brush the curls out of his face. 

Before she gave into temptation she carefully removed the covers from her restless legs, wanting to run as far away as possible. The first place she could think to run was her workspace. Painting had always been her escape and if there was ever a time to need an escape it was now.

She began to paint him, in an ambiguous fashion, where you couldn’t  _ really _ tell it was him. In various shades of comforting blue, he made his way onto the canvas and her chest began to tighten in a way that she wasn’t familiar with. With every brushstroke, several images of their night together flashed in her mind and she chastised herself for playing her part in allowing Roan to be right, not that he would ever know because the last thing he needed was an ego boost. 

But that was the least of her problems because Bellamy had wormed his way into her heart and she had been none the wiser. It wasn’t like her to let someone get this close, but she was helpless against his stupid smile and those ridiculous freckles of his. Every time she looked at him she felt her defenses disintegrate.

At a crossroads, she wondered if giving in to her feelings to be with him would really be that bad? There were obvious differences between him and Lexa. Like the fact that Bellamy had been so open with her from the beginning, never really asked for much in return. On top of everything else he had going for him, he fit in so well with her friends, better than Lexa ever had. A lot of things were stacked in his favor, but there was one thing that didn’t bode well for him: she had a history and not a forgiving one. 

Rationally, she knew that she wasn’t the  _ reason _ that every relationship that surrounded her ended, but she was the common denominator and that gave her pause. Sure her parents had their own issues that had nothing to do with her, but they did fight a lot over her future and what was best for her. Of course, Finn had made the conscious decision to sleep with someone else even though he was with her, but there was obviously something about her that wasn’t enough for him. Then, there was Lexa. Everything about her relationship with her was complicated and….. Well just  _ complicated _ , there was no other way to explain it. They had been together for two years and still, Clarke could never really figure out just what that relationship had been. Was it love? Was there any part of her that wasn’t completely ruined by it?

“Hey I was wondering where you ran off to,” he said, not having any idea that running was exactly what she had in mind when she retreated to her workspace. 

She tried not to read too much into the fact that Bellamy, unknowingly, showed up when she needed him most.  _ ‘No’ _ she thought, she didn’t need him and she wouldn’t allow herself to.

She met his eyes and saw the curiosity swirl within them and suddenly she was painfully aware of where they were standing. Something about him seeing her art didn’t sit right with her. It had never really been a private thing, but the thought of him knowing one more thing about her, a thing so personal, terrified her. She hurriedly stepped in front of the canvas she had been painting, doing her best to obscure his line of sight.

“Yeah, sorry I wanted to get a head start on this art show I have coming up and I didn’t want to disturb you,” she said dismissively. “I thought after last night you could use the sleep.” She tried her best to not let her voice waver, to not let him hear how affected she was by his presence. 

He laughed, thank god. “Speaking of...” he trailed off. Not once in her life had she ever been so scared of a conversation. Things might be different if she could read him, maybe be able to figure out what he was going to say before he said it, but her thoughts clouded her judgment so much that it was useless to try. “I figured you’re probably starving, do you want to go out and get breakfast?” he asked with that stupid smile plastered on his face. That smile would be the death of her.

Thankful this wasn’t the conversation she thought it would be, she smiled. Then a daunting feeling washed over her once again as she remembered where she stood, she couldn’t think of anything else but to get him far away from the painting that was undoubtedly him. “Sure,” she said as she ushered him out of the room and relaxed once shut the door behind her. “Just let me change out of my paint clothes really quick and then we can go.” 

“Okay perfect, I have just the place in mind.” He beamed.

After only a couple minutes Clarke had emerged from her bedroom wearing her most comfortable pair of black skinny jeans with rips in the knees, not entirely sensible for the cold October air. She paired them with a simple grey t-shirt and a red and black plaid coat. She quickly slipped some boots on before they headed out the door.

On their walk, Clarke had to put her hands in her pockets to keep from reaching out to grab his. By the time they made it to the subway, she was fidgeting with anticipation. “Where are we going?” She asked.

He smirked at her and said, “it’s a surprise.”

“I don’t like surprises,” she replied flatly.

“I’m beginning to see that,” he placed a hand on her shoulder and gave it a gentle squeeze.“Come on, just loosen up a little and trust me.” He gave her shoulder a slight shake as if to physically rid her of the tension that coursed through her. 

“Fine, I trust you,” she said begrudgingly. Oddly enough it wasn't a lie, she did trust him, they hadn’t known each other long but something about the way he looked at her told her she could and so she did.

When they reached their destination Clarke’s stomach dropped, it didn’t just drop it took a nosedive and crashed right into the earth’s core. This was the place she had breakfast with her dad every Saturday, of course, there was no way that he knew that. How could he have? She stood there staring at the building like it was some sort of hallucination, part of her hoped that it was. She wasn’t that lucky.

“You coming?” He said as he stood there holding the door open for her. 

She did her best to flash a smile in response, an attempt to distract him from her obvious trepidation.

Bellamy found an open table once they walked in and led them back. Thankfully, it wasn’t the same table she and her dad usually sat at. She didn’t know if she could handle that. They sat down and looked over at the menus trying to decide what to order, at least that was what Clarke was pretending to do. She always got the same thing, a creature of habit, though even if she didn’t she had been there so many times that she probably had the menu memorized. Despite her best efforts, her worlds were colliding, her real world into the world she presented to Bellamy. 

The waitress came and took their orders and their menus before walking away. Clarke’s only shield of defense was that menu and now she was without it. She looked around the cafe, pretended to take in its sights, anything to avoid eye contact with him. One look at him and she knew she would spill everything. She thought maybe she should tell Bellamy about what this place was to her, but that meant sharing a part of herself she wasn’t quite ready to share with him. It was all too personal and that was what she was trying to avoid with him. 

“I think we should talk about last night...” She trailed off nervously. Clarke didn’t really want to have this conversation right now, at least not in this cafe, but it beat caving in and telling him the significance of this place.

“Is this some post-sex evaluation? Am I going to be graded?” He joked. 

“No, but you should take comfort in the fact that if you were, you would pass with flying colors,” she said. He probably didn’t need the ego boost but she couldn’t help herself and seeing him blush at her words made her heart palpitate. She had to put a stop to these feelings of hers, and fast. “I think last night should be a one-time thing.” Looking at him was a mistake, a big fat mistake. “It’s just that we work together, I don’t want things to get weird and I don’t want you to get the wrong impression.”

“And what impression would that be?” 

The waitress had arrived with their food and she was thankful for the interruption. She hadn’t expected him to fight her so hard, yet there he sat as he questioned her reasoning. 

“That this could be anything more than just sex.” She’d be lying if she said the faint flicker of pain that flashed across his face didn’t hurt her. “I don’t do relationships and Murphy called you a serial monogamist, I don’t want there to be any misconceptions between us,” she shrugged. 

She didn’t blatantly state that she wasn’t attracted to him or didn’t have feelings for him because that would be a lie. Under normal circumstances, she considered herself a good liar, but being in this cafe had thrown her off her game and she didn’t know if she’d be able to lie and make it believable. 

“Well, I think you know more than anyone how much of an idiot Murphy can be,” he said as he took a sip of his coffee 

“That I do, so you’re saying he’s wrong? That you aren’t a serial monogamist?” she asked skeptically.

“Maybe I am, but that doesn’t mean I can’t indulge in a casual relationship,” he said pointedly with an eyebrow raised.

“I think that’s exactly what it means,” she quipped, “look, I don’t think it’s worth the risk of ruining this.” She motioned between them, for a second, the implication of what that could mean hung in the air and she felt the need to clarify under the heat of his smug and pointed look. “We work well together and you fit in with the group, adding sex just muddies everything and makes it complicated.”

“Didn’t seem to complicate things with you and Niylah,” he said nonchalantly as he took a bite of his food.

He missed his calling to be a lawyer because each time he spoke she could feel her resolve to continue fighting him wear thin. She would have suggested he talk to Niylah if she thought that would help, but she had a feeling it would do the opposite.

“Niylah called it quits because she wanted something more serious, which is exactly my point,” she rebutted.

“But you guys are still friends,” he pointed out. “We were friends before we had sex, you don’t think we can be friends if one of us calls it quits?”

Damn him. Damn him for using her own words against her, even though he hadn’t actually known they were her words. She shoveled hash browns into her mouth to give herself time to come up with something that would be enough to deter him, but she came up empty. If she pointed out that they were more strangers than friends before they had sex she wouldn’t be able to take the look of disappointment that would probably be painted across his face. Anything else she came up with would eventually lead down a road where she would have to admit her feelings for him and that just wasn’t an option. 

She sucked in a breath and exhaled deeply. “Fine, but I have conditions.” 

“Anything you want,” he replied coyly.

“We don’t tell anyone, especially not our friends,” she asserted. It was odd, referring to her friends as  _ theirs _ and confirming out loud that they shared something together, but she supposed it was true, they were his friends too. 

“Okay, anything else? You mentioned conditions so I’m assuming there is more than one,” his tone casual. 

For some reason, she hadn’t expected him to be so  _ cavalier _ with all of this, but he was. He sat there in front of her and didn’t show any signs that he might be second-guessing their arrangement, she only hoped that she was conveying the same apathetic attitude.

“No public displays of affection,” she said seriously.

“Well that won’t be good for my public sex kink,” he joked, or at least she thought he did, she couldn’t really tell. He was a lot harder to read than she thought he would be upon their initial meeting.

She wanted to laugh, but she wanted him to take her seriously more than anything so she decided not to encourage his antics with a chuckle.

“One last thing,” she said.

“Alright, lay it on me,” he smirked at the innuendo. 

She locked her eyes with his. “No falling in love,” she said. Because really that’s what it came down to. If he couldn’t promise to not fall in love with her then this wouldn’t work.

“Won’t be a problem,” he replied confidently.


	5. Flirting With the Line

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *arrives late holding an iced oat milk latte while i'm bringing sexy back plays in the background* 
> 
> I won't bore you with an explanation, I'll just say I'm sorry for my break being so long and I'm sorry that this chapter is shorter than the others, it's more of a filler tbh but I hope you enjoy it all the same! 
> 
> I hope everyone is staying safe and healthy and sane!
> 
> As always you can find me on Tumblr and Twitter @shaeheda

A girls' night in was exactly what Clarke needed. When Raven sent a text in the group chat that she was hosting a wine night at her place, Clarke couldn’t say ‘yes’ quick enough. It had been a long and taxing week of avoiding her mother’s calls and texts. She needed wine, lots of it. With any luck, Bellamy would still be up by the time she was done at Raven’s.

After a quick pit stop to pick up a couple of cheap bottles of wine she made her way to the subway. It wasn’t a long trek to Raven’s apartment and she had the sounds of My Chemical Romance flowing freely through her headphones to keep her company. 

When Clarke got to Raven’s she was taken aback by the piles of miscellaneous items scattered throughout the living room.

“What’s all this?”

“You didn’t tell her?” Anya said, appearing from the kitchen.

“Tell me what?”

“I didn’t think she’d come over to help if I told her,” Raven shrugged.

“I asked Raven to move in with me and she said yes, but she’s having a little trouble letting go of her apartment.”

Somewhere deep down Clarke could feel anxiety pool within her. No, Raven and Anya loved each other, they would not end up in a fiery disaster the way she and Lexa did. She thinks maybe she should give them some sort of warning, tell them the likelihood of things working out is slim to none. She’d be doing them a favor really, sure it would hurt to hear but it would be better to take a little hurt now than more hurt down the road. One look at their stupidly happy faces and all thoughts of raining on their parade was erased from her mind.

An offer of congratulations passed her lips before she made her way to the kitchen to retrieve a wine glass. She tried her best to plaster on a fake smile and sound happy for them. It wasn’t that she wasn’t happy for them, she was, it was just that her life was beginning to feel like she had no real control and it prevented her from being about to block out the negative thoughts that constantly plagued her mind.

Doing her best to push away the negative thoughts running through her mind she asked, “Okay so when do you have to be out of here?”

Raven mumbled out a response that Clarke didn’t quite catch.

“What?”

“She’s supposed to be out by noon tomorrow,” Emori called out as she and Harper appeared in the living room from the hall.

At least she wasn’t the only one to be conned into helping Raven move. Or maybe they knew this whole time and she was the only one being conned.  _ ‘No’ _ she thought bitterly. She hated the way her mind had the habit of thinking the worst of the people around her.

“Well, in that case, we better order a pizza or two, maybe someone should make a run to the store for more alcohol? It’s going to be a long night.”

“I brought a bottle of wine and Emori brought some whiskey so we’re good on the alcohol front but I’ll go ahead and call the pizza place and put in an order for 2 large’s?” Harper asked. The group collectively nodded before she made her way back to Raven’s bedroom to place the order.

Clarke would probably regret switching to whiskey after downing her glass of wine but this was going to be a long night and she needed something a lot stronger. She didn’t notice Raven follow her into the kitchen but she somehow wasn’t surprised when her friend spoke up as she poured a generous amount of whiskey into a glass.

“You’re hitting it pretty hard don’t you think?”

A deep sigh passed her lips as she grabbed another glass to fill. “I’m holding back for the sake of helping you move,” Clarke said as she passed Raven a glass filled with amber liquid. “It’s been a long week, I think I’ve earned at least a drink or two.” The response came out a lot more harsh than she intended but Clarke didn’t have the energy to care, besides Raven had never been one to take things personally so this wouldn’t be any different. Maybe Raven sensed she was on edge. 

From the corner of her eye, she watched as Raven opened and closed her mouth several times and Clarke had a feeling she knew what her friend was about to ask.

There was a slight hesitation in Raven’s voice before she spoke which was odd considering she was always so confident and to the point. It was one of the things Clarke loved about her. “Does this have anything to do with Bellamy?”

“What?” Clarke went into a coughing fit after choking on her drink. That was not the question she was expecting at all. Panic surged through her veins and her muscles tensed so much they practically turned to stone.

“Did you guys like, get in a fight or something?”

“Raven, what are you talking about?” Clarke was thoroughly confused at this point. As far as any of her friends were concerned she and Bellamy rarely hung out outside of the group let alone often enough for them to fight.

“You guys just seem to be getting close I figured- he talks about you a lot when we hang out, I just figured there was something going on here,” Raven shrugs.

“You guys hang out?” She kind of hated how desperate the question sounded the second it left her mouth. Her and Bellamy were just friends, she didn’t have the right to be jealous. Besides, Raven was happily in love with Anya. That didn’t stop her mind from going to the worst possible scenario.

She despised the chuckle that came from across the kitchen, but it wasn’t completely unwarranted. Had the roles been reversed she would probably laugh at herself too.

“Yeah we’re friends, so we hang out,” was all Raven offered.

“You said he talks about me, what does he say?” She probably looked like a wounded bird if she had to guess. The crack in her voice betrayed the cool exterior she had tried to put on and she hated herself for that.

“Jesus, this is worse than I thought.” Raven sets her drink down so she can cross her arms across her chest. “Look, yeah he’s my friend but you’re one of my best friends so I’m only telling you this because you rank a lot higher than he does.” 

There is this look of seriousness in Raven’s eyes that makes Clarke think she probably won’t like the next thing that’s about to come out of her friend’s mouth. “He talks about you, asks about you sometimes like maybe you guys are together or something and it’s not in the way anyone talks about someone they are just friends with so don’t even try and use that excuse with me. I see the way you look at him when you think no one’s looking, I can tell you like him. But then you get too much in your head and you get this sad look on your face.” She takes a deep breath before continuing and all Clarke can do is look at her and try her best to keep her eyes from watering. The last thing she needs is to let Raven know she struck a chord. “It’s no secret that Lexa fucked with your head, but you’ve come a long way since then and I just don’t want to see you throw away something good because you’re scared. You deserve to be happy.” 

Raven walked out of the kitchen without another word and Clarke was left to ponder over the fact that Bellamy was talking about her to their friends. Based on what Raven said it didn’t seem malicious but Clarke couldn’t stop her mind from going to that place. She downed one last drink before she returned to the living room to help the others pack. 

After an exhausting twenty minutes of fighting Raven over what should be donated or kept, the doorbell rang. Clarke answered the door and was surprised to find Murphy holding two large pizzas. 

“Since when do you moonlight as a pizza delivery boy?”

“I think you mean pizza delivery  _ man _ .” 

“I meant what I said, and you still didn’t answer my question.”

“We’re here for the moving party, obviously. Geez, Griffin, you’re so uptight maybe you should grab a drink and loosen up a little,” Murphy said as he brushed past her.

It was then she noticed that Monty, Jasper, Miller, and Bellamy had been standing behind Murphy the whole time. She opened the door a little bit wider and let them in with a tight smile. The whole reason girls night appealed to her was because she wanted to get Bellamy off of her mind and yet she couldn’t help but think about him. He was starting to bleed into every aspect of her life. 

“Hey,” he said with that signature smirk of his. Damn if that wasn’t enough to make her want to grab his face and kiss him right then and there. 

“Hi,” she said, closing the door behind him. She didn’t linger in the entryway for fear what little self-restraint she had left might disappear completely.

“You owe me twenty bucks, Reyes.” Murphy placed the pizza on the coffee table in the living room and held his hand out waiting to be paid.

“No one even invited you, Murphy, what are you doing here?” Raven shot back.

“Technically you did when you told me you were moving and then followed it up with  _ ‘I’m gonna need all the help I can get’ _ it’s called an open invitation,” he said with a shit-eating grin.

She reached for a slice of pizza to stop her mind from spiraling over the fact that everyone seemed to know about Raven’s move but her. She tried not to focus on the fact that it suddenly felt like everyone was in on the same joke and she was on the outside looking in. 

“Okay, where do you want me to start?” Maybe if she kept her hands busy these thoughts wouldn’t send her into a deeper spiral.

“You can pack up the kitchen,” Raven responded.

Clarke turned her back to the group to head to the kitchen. She heard his voice stand out among the rest of the groups chattering over who would pack up what room. He volunteered to help her with the kitchen, which meant she would have to be alone with him. It wasn’t that she didn’t enjoy their alone time, she did, it was just that they weren’t technically alone and she was so tense that all she could think about doing was climbing him like a tree and getting some much-needed relief and Raven’s kitchen was certainly not the place for that.

As she taped up the bottoms of a couple of boxes she could feel his eyes on her, boring holes into her soul like he was trying to get a read on her.

“You know the packing will go a lot faster if you stop staring at me,” she said without even a glance in his direction. They had gotten some paper plates with the pizza so it was safe to pack away all of Raven’s dishes.

“You say that like I can’t multitask and I think we both know how good I am at multitasking,” he said suggestively.

Rather than offer up a response she just stared at him as a smile spread across his face.

“Oh come on, don’t act like you don’t remember that time I went down on you while you were on the phone with that gallery owner, what was his name?” He stepped closer to her and rested one hand on the counter and his other on her hip.

“His name is Cage and I remember very well.” She turned to look at him. Something in his eyes looked hungry and she’d be lying if she said she didn’t feel the same way.

Shallow breaths passed between them. Bellamy took one step closer, their bodies pressed together.

“You seem really tense, maybe I can help with that,” he leaned down to whisper.

The heat of his breath on her ear caused her throat to tighten, her words had failed her, all she could do was nod.

Bellamy slipped his hand past the waistband of her leggings. “Damn babe, you’re so fucking wet. Don’t worry I’ll take care of you but you gotta stay quiet, okay?”

Another nod.

Semi-public sex was not a world Clarke had yet ventured into, she never had any intention of doing so either, but something about doing it with Bellamy Blake eased her nerves. Their friends could walk in any moment and yet that didn’t deter her from letting one of Bellamy’s fingers slip into her. A short gasp escaped her lips at the sudden intrusion of his finger.

Her hand gripped his shoulder as her orgasm built up and it took all of her self control not to let a moan escape. Her eyes fluttered close as his thumb rubbed circles over her clit. But as soon as he started he stopped. Her eyes jerked open and when she saw the smirk on his face, she understood immediately. He wanted to look into her eyes, see the result of his handiwork so to speak.

Once her eyes locked with his, he continued. It was quick and dirty and nothing like any of their previous encounters. He always knew how to draw out her pleasure, make the most of it, but they were on a time limit because at any moment one of their friends could walk in and see what was going on and that was the last thing she wanted. In quick succession, he pumped his fingers in and out until her orgasm washed over her. She stifled her moan the best she could when she nuzzled her face into the crook of his neck. 

She tried to catch her breath while he washed his hands, and did her best to regain her composure by packing up Raven’s kitchen. 

They worked in much of the same fashion as they did a bar shift, comfortable silence with random moments of playful banter and before she knew it they were done. While Bellamy taped up the last box, Clarke met the rest of the group in the living room. 

“Hey, are you guys done with the kitchen?” Raven asked.

“Yeah, Bellamy is taping up the last box now.”

“So that’s it then, everything is packed,” she said somberly.

“Oh come on, don’t be sad babe, this is a good thing! Tomorrow we’re going to start our new life together,” Anya wrapped her arms around her and tried to comfort her girlfriend.

“We still have pizza and booze, why don’t we have one last movie night?” Emori suggested.

Everyone nodded in agreement and soon enough the group was stretched out in various positions along Raven’s furniture and living room floor.

The last thing Clarke remembered before she fell asleep was Monty putting in the DVD, of which movie she can’t be sure, and her head leaned on Bellamy's shoulder. That’s exactly how she woke up, with her head still on Bellamy’s shoulder, only there were movie credits rolling on the screen and hushed whispers around her. 

Slowly but surely she became aware of her surroundings and opened her eyes, though her head still felt too heavy to take off of Bellamy’s shoulder. She hadn’t felt that comfortable and relaxed in weeks. She wasn’t going to think about the fact that it probably had something to do with being around Bellamy or getting off in Raven’s kitchen or a combination of the two.

“Well hello there sleeping beauty,” Monty joked. 

Clarke attempted to rub the sleep from her eyes and lift her head from her very broad but comfortable pillow as the rest of the group turned to look at her.

“Guess all that packing really wore me out,” she managed to get out before a yawn.

“Which is why we should probably head home,” Bellamy said as he started to stand up. Clarke watched as Raven gave him a curious look and it dawned on her that it sounded like they were going home together. He must have seen the panic on her face because before she could say anything he jumped in. 

“Our separate homes, we’re not- I just meant we should get out of your hair,” he stumbled.

Before he could say anything more embarrassing she brushed him off and told him she would meet him downstairs. She wouldn’t let him be subjected to Raven’s eventual teasing, he’d probably say the wrong thing and implode.

Clarke walked over to the door and grabbed her coat from the hook it was placed on. “Alright, I know you want to so just spit it out already.” 

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.” Everything about Raven’s demeanor looked like a kid caught with her hand in the cookie jar.

“Yeah well, that look on your face tells me otherwise, so out with it.”

Being the relentless bunch they were, Clarke figured it was only a matter of time before one of her friends teased her, but she was prepared to shoot down any innuendos that she and Bellamy were anything more than friends. 

“You guys looked pretty cozy during the movie, it was cute,” Raven smiled.

“It was a long day and I fell asleep, he just so happened to be there, that’s it,” Clarke said matter of fact.

“Right, look all I’m saying is that you don’t have to hide your relationship from us, you know we just want what’s best for you.”

“We aren’t in a relationship.”

“Yeah okay, and I’m not having issues letting go of my apartment.” Raven crossed her arms and smiled.

“No Ray, I’m serious, we’re not dating.” By the look on Raven’s face, she could tell that she had gotten her point across, but she’d be naive to think the conversation would end there. 

“Okay seriously, cut the crap. If you like each other why aren’t you guys dating?”

“We’re just-”

“Don’t even pull that ‘we’re just friends, nothing more’’ crap with me,” Raven cut her off. “I know you better than that. So what’s the real reason.”

“Nothing, can we just drop it?” she sighed defeatedly.

“No, because I’m tired of your self-sabotaging relationships because you don’t think you deserve to be happy. It’s fucked up Clarke and you know it.” Raven said defiantly.

“You have no idea what you’re talking about so just let it go,” Clarke was aware her tone was increasingly more sharp than intended, but after the week she had and spending all evening packing up Raven’s apartment she was too tired for pleasantries. 

“Maybe I don’t, but that’s only because you never tell anyone anything. How do you expect to get close to anyone if you won’t let them in?” 

“Ever think that maybe that’s the point?”

“Not everyone has ulterior motives, not everyone is Lexa, some of us actually care about you and just want you to be happy!”

“Yeah well if that’s the case you would mind your own business and stop butting into mine.”

“You know what, if that’s what you really want, fine. You better get going, don’t wanna keep your not-boyfriend waiting.” Clarke was too mad to respond, even if she wasn’t what could she say? 

There wasn’t much, in fact most of the walk home with Bellamy had been in silence with Raven’s words playing on a constant loop in her mind. There was no way she would tell Bellamy about her conversation with Raven, she didn’t want him getting any ideas despite their first conversation about this whole arrangement. 

When they got to her apartment she told him she had to meet her mom early in the morning and kissed him goodnight on the cheek. She felt bad that she lied to him about having to meet her mom but she really just wanted to spend the night alone in her apartment. There was a fear that lurked in the pit of her stomach that Raven was right, they were technically dating and she just refused to see it. 

  
  
  



	6. Now I'm In It

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So the last chapter I was struggling through some writer's block and I wasn't super happy with how it turned out tbh, but I really like this chapter and I hope that you guys do too.
> 
> I hope everyone is staying safe and healthy and sane! 
> 
> As always you can find me on Tumblr and Twitter @shaeheda

“You think having an artistic eye would make you better at hanging streamers, Griffin,” Murphy shouted from below.

Murphy had been in charge of planning everything for Bellamy’s birthday. All it took was one look at him and Clarke saw how stressed he was, so she offered to pick the venue to help lighten his load. She had to promise a reluctant Anya to pick up extra shifts for a month and to fill in for anyone who called in sick to get her to agree to close the bar for the night and let them host the party there. 

Somehow she knew her helping hand wouldn’t end at finding a venue, which is how she found herself standing on a ladder as she helped Emori hang streamers.

“Okay, first of all,” she stated as she stepped down off the ladder. “Be happy I’m even helping at all considering I only offered to find the venue, which I did. Second of all, why do we even need streamers? He’s turning 30 not 13.”

He walked over to her and took the rest of the streamers from her hand. “Why don’t you go pick up the birthday boy and keep him occupied for the next couple hours. He’s been incessantly texting me to hang out and I don’t need you hanging around here screwing things up like you did the streamers.”

“Fine, anything to get away from you,” she said, grabbing her keys off the bar. “You’re not allowed to plan any more parties, you turn into even more of a neurotic dick than you already are.”

Over the last two months, both Bellamy and Clarke had really begun to lean into the ‘friends’ part of their friends with benefits arrangement. She was surprised at just how well it all seemed to be working. She spent a lot of her free time at his place after Murphy nearly caught them together. 

Clarke should have known better than to trust Murphy to use an emergency key for emergencies only. She couldn’t even remember why he had shown up, the only thing on her mind was a half-naked Bellamy hiding out on her fire escape. Clarke tried her best to make Murphy leave but it was still a solid thirty minutes before Bellamy was given the okay to step back into the apartment. From that day forward they decided to hang out at Bellamy’s to eliminate the risk of being caught by one of their friends.

When Bellamy opened the front door Clarke was standing there with a balloon in her hand and a smile on her face. 

“Murphy told me to keep you company for a couple of hours.” Her statement did little to wipe the look of confusion from his face. 

“What?”

She didn’t wait for him to invite her in, his mind was obviously still trying to figure out why Murphy would send her to his place so she rolled her eyes and bumped his shoulder playfully as she walked past him in the direction of his living room. The movement seemed to pull him out of his confusion long enough for him to shut the door and follow her into the living room.

“Why would Murphy send you over here?” he voiced the question she knew he had been thinking. It was getting easier to read him as time went on. When they first met he was something of an enigma, but now she knew him almost as well as she knew herself. Maybe even better.

“I’m only telling you this because a man in your old age might suffer a heart attack if I don’t warn you ahead of time,” she joked. “Murphy is throwing you a surprise party at the bar, I just came from helping with decorations.”

Bellamy blinked in surprise. “He’s doing what?”

“He nearly ripped my head off because I wasn’t hanging the streamers to his liking, it’s actually why I’m here,” she huffed. “Look, just act surprised and everything will be fine.”

“I told him I didn’t want a party,” he said flatly.

“And you should have known better than to tell him what you didn’t want, you know Murphy, he’ll do the opposite of whatever you tell him just to mess with you,” she scoffed.

The moment he laughed a ripple of adoration flowed through Clarke’s heart. His laugh was her favorite sound and knowing she was the reason for it was intoxicating. She watched him as his eyes focused on the balloon in her hand.

His brows furrowed, “did you get me a balloon?”

“Don’t look so confused, of course I did, we’re friends,” she said as if it were obvious.

He stepped closer to her, looking into her eyes intently. “Ah, so the balloon is just a birthday benefit of our friendship?”

Clarke released the string and let the small bag of sand attached to the balloon weigh it down, much like in the way his touch grounded her. Her hands moved to his belt buckle “I had a different kind of benefit in mind, but if you’re satisfied with the balloon…” she trailed off, letting the implication hang in the air as she worked on undoing his belt buckle.

“Well, Murphy did send you over here to keep me occupied,” he said gruffly tucking a piece of hair behind her ear. “We wouldn’t want to disappoint him would we?”

“I don’t think we should be worrying about whether or not Murphy would be satisfied right now,” she stated as she unbuttoned his pants and pulled them down as she sank to her knees.

* * *

Her cell phone rang from its place in her jean pocket. She didn’t miss the way Bellamy’s eyes trailed after her as she got up from her place on the couch to go retrieve it, as if he was gearing up for round three.

Murphy’s name flashed across the screen and for a moment she had forgotten why she had gone to Belamy’s in the first place. As soon as she answered, Murphy wasted no time in chastising her for being ten minutes late.

“Shit,” she slammed her eyes shut. “Sorry Murphy, we got caught up in some history documentary he insisted on watching.” Considering how caught off guard she was, she was surprised at how easily the lie had come. 

She scrambled to put her jeans on as Murphy continued to yell at her through the device pinched between her ear and shoulder. “Yes Murphy, I know, I said I was sorry okay? We’re coming right now,” she huffed.

A snort could be heard from where Bellamy was still seated on the couch in his briefs. Clarke rolled her eyes at his childish antics. She could practically hear the _‘that’s what she said’_ joke that was sitting on the tip of his tongue, but before he had the chance to say it she reached down to pick up his shirt and throw it at him forcefully. 

“Okay, we’ll be there in fifteen minutes.” She hung up on Murphy, which he would probably yell at her for later, but that didn’t matter right now. “Get dressed, we were supposed to be at the bar ten minutes ago, I’m pretty sure Murphy has already had a coronary,” she said as she pulled her shirt on.

While he got dressed, Bellamy looked at Clarke knowingly. She could tell he was thinking about the fact that they were going to meet their friends after having sex, twice, and their friends would be none the wiser. Sharing this secret, something only they were in on together, was a major turn-on. If it wasn’t for the string of text messages she had started to receive from Murphy telling her to get to the bar asap, she might have just torn his clothes off right then and there.

The fact that they were running late had provided a perfect cover for the flushed cheeks they both wore, or so she thought. Emori looked at her and a pit began to form in Clarke’s stomach as soon as they walked in and everyone had yelled surprise. She began to doubt if it was Bellamy’s lack of surprise or if Emori could actually tell they had sex less than an hour ago. 

While he was distracted with hugs and birthday wishes from their friends, she took the opportunity to slip away to the bar and poured herself a drink, something pooled in her gut like a beacon telling her she would need it. Everything between her and Bellamy was beginning to get a bit too messy for her liking. First, it was the fact that Murphy had nearly caught them together, then it was all the small instances in which he would look at her and she’d feel this twinge in her heart that made her want to abandon all her security measures and just be with him, and now there was Emori eyeing her as if she knew what was going on between them.

She’d have to keep her distance from Bellamy tonight. Not just because of Emori suspicions, but for herself too. Fear that he might figure out she actually had feelings for him crept up into her bones weighing them down with all the possible ways things could go wrong. If she was anyone else, someone normal, him knowing she had feelings for him wouldn’t be a big deal. But she wasn’t someone normal. Stuck in this limbo of knowing she should end things and selfishly not wanting to because being with him was like being in a place so unfamiliar to her, home. She had never truly had a home, or a person to call home for that matter. The closest she ever had was with her parents, but they fought way too much for her house to ever feel safe enough to be considered home.

“Are you just going to stand there daydreaming about me or are you going to pour me a drink?”

Her eyes left the glass in front of her and found their way to Bellamy’s. So much for keeping her distance. She opted to pour him a shot of whiskey instead of pouring her heart out like she so desperately wanted, but wouldn’t allow herself to do. “So how does it feel to officially be on the verge of retirement?”

Keeping her distance was near impossible. “After what we just did two hours ago you really want to call me an old man?”

Clarke huffed a laugh as she passed him his glass of whiskey. “I was referring to the fact that you think eating dinner at 6 p.m. is late, you’re always complaining about your back, you do the crossword in the newspaper every Sunday, and the words _‘damn kids’_ actually came out of your mouth the other day or-”

“Okay I think you’ve made your point,” he exasperated.

That feeling of being home bloomed in her chest when she caught sight of his smile as they continued to banter back and forth. No matter how much space she put between them, he always found a way to close the distance. Everything about their relationship felt incredibly dangerous like surfing a fifty-foot wave or rock climbing without a harness. Clarke wasn’t sure how to navigate through this feeling without completely fucking everything up. 

Thankfully Miller had a way of being there for her when she needed him most and this time was no different. Relief flushed her veins as she saw him approach.

“Murphy is looking for you,” he looked at Bellamy, “something about cake or presents, I’m not really sure I just ran away as fast as I could.”

“If you don’t hear from me in ten minutes send out a search party,” he said, looking pointedly at Clarke.

She watched Bellamy walk away taking a piece of her heart with him. Something about the way her face was twisted in disappointment had gotten Miller’s attention. He was staring at her with an intensity she was familiar with. She poured the amber liquid into her glass once more, bracing for the conversation she didn’t want to have.

“So you and Bellamy huh? How long has that been going on?” he prodded. He had one eyebrow raised in such a playful manner it almost put Clarke at ease, but not quite.

“It hasn’t,” she stated. 

“Oh come on, Clarke, not only am I a detective but I’m also your best friend so I can tell when there’s something going on”

She narrowed her eyes on him contemplating if she could tell a quick lie and put a stop to this conversation before it got away from her. But Miller knew her better than that, he’d be able to see through her lies and distraction tactics. He wouldn’t let her get away that easily. He had a knack for getting her to admit things she tried so hard to bury and that’s exactly what she was afraid of. 

“Can we not do this now, here?” she sighed.

Taking a step back literally and metaphorically he said, “fine, but the longer you put it off the harder it’s going to be.” 

The seriousness of his gaze hinted he wasn’t just talking about the conversation she refused to have with him, but also the one she was putting off having with Bellamy. She’d had enough alcohol in her system where she could make it out of the conversation relatively unscathed. 

“I don’t know what you want me to say, Miller,” she sighed defeatedly, “it’s not like I planned for this to happen, okay?”

“Clarke Griffin not having a plan, yeah I don’t buy it,” placing his hands on the bar and leaning in close, “you may not have planned for anything to happen between you two, but it did and I’m willing to bet you plan to keep sleeping with him.”

Unable to look him in the eye, she studied the drop of paint on her boot. She wondered how long it had been there, what she was painting when it spilled. Miller must have realized she wasn’t going to say anything so he continued on, “I think you like him, more than you let on, and I just want you to be careful. For his sake and yours.”

His words pulled her gaze from her boots and on to him. “God, everything is just so fucked, I don’t know what to do,” her forehead creased and hands wrung together anxiously.

“I know this may be controversial, but how about just telling him how you feel?” he leaned in close, afraid if he spoke too loud he might scare her off.

She scoffed and poured her third drink. Part of her was disappointed when the alcohol didn’t burn like it should have like she thought she deserved for it to. 

“We both know I’m too fucked up for that to work out the way you’re hoping it does. I’m not destined for some fairytale romance where I confess my feelings for him, we ride off into the sunset together and live happily ever after.” Another drink.

As her fourth drink traveled down her throat Miller grabbed the bottle, keeping it out of reach. “If you think I’m going to stand by and watch you self-destruct then you don’t know me very well. It’s because I love you that I can tell you when you’re being an idiot and right now, you’re being an idiot. You don’t think Bellamy has baggage of his own? Everyone has baggage, Clarke, that’s not a reason to avoid being with someone,” he said.

“I thought we already covered how much I wasn’t avoiding him.” As they left her mouth the gravity of what they were talking about weighed her words down making them sound more serious than she was intending. 

It seemed Miller wouldn’t indulge her attempts to make light of the situation, “Not what I meant and you know it. Look, I know Lexa put you through hell and I get that it might be hard for you to put yourself back out there again but, Bellamy isn’t Lexa. I care about you and I would never let something like that happen to you again, which is why I’m telling you to go for it because I think he’d be good for you.”

“You two can braid each other’s hair later, get over here so Blake can open his presents!” Murphy shouted from across the room. Murphy and his lousy timing interrupted them before she had the chance to squash Miller’s preconceived notion that she was destined for some storybook romance. 

She quickly drank another shot after Miller turned his back. She wasn’t drunk by any means, but she was just buzzed enough to ignore the seed of doubt Miller had planted in her. She was relying on the haze of alcohol to quiet the thought that maybe Miller was right, maybe she and Bellamy could be together and things wouldn’t end in a fiery explosion of unrequited feelings like she thought. Clarke didn’t doubt that Bellamy liked her or was attracted to her, that much was obvious, she doubted that he could love her because what sane person could love someone so damaged? She had all this baggage from her relationship with Lexa lingering over her head like this dark cloud ready to pour rain on her any minute and she couldn’t burden him with that, she refused to.

By the time she made it to the table, everyone was already seated watching as Bellamy opened his first gift. There were two seats open, one of them next to Miller and the other by Emori, she didn’t want to risk Miller wanting to finish their conversation from earlier so she chose the lesser of two evils and sat next to Emori who would relentlessly tease her about the fact she was sleeping with Bellamy.

For his first gift, Bellamy had received a decently priced bottle of scotch and two drinking glasses from Murphy and Emori. Bellamy muttered a _‘thanks man’_ as a shy smile formed on his lips.

Clarke was eager to see what the rest of the group had gotten him, remembering fondly her phone call with Raven. She watched as he shifted nervously in his seat clearly uncomfortable with the combination of receiving gifts as well as being the center of attention. Murphy placed the next present in Bellamy’s lap, which happened to be a leather briefcase for him to use when he subbed and eventually found a full-time teaching job, from Monty and Harper.

Anya wasn’t much of a gift-giver, so Raven had signed both of their names to the board game she bought for him. “Just one more thing I can kick your ass at,” she joked, which got a chuckle out of Bellamy.

It was Clarke’s turn to give Bellamy his gift. She had underestimated how hard he was to shop for, so when she still hadn’t found anything one week before the party she opted to paint a scene from a Greek mythology story he had told her one night while they closed the bar. She remembered how captivating he was and how he had this way with words, she couldn’t imagine him being anything other than a teacher. It was a moment between them that always stuck out to her because he was completely himself, no games or flirting or sexual innuendos, it was just this simple moment where he was sharing something he loved and she caught a glimpse of someone she could love. 

She had given him a painting of the moment Dionysus fell in love with Ariadne. Ariadne, the daughter of King Midas, had been abandoned on an island by Theseus and after wearing herself out from weeping she woke to find Dionysus gazing at her. He had spotted her on the beach and was so enchanted by her beauty that he instantly fell in love and asked her to be his wife. She had accepted his offer immediately. They went on to have a happy marriage, which was uncommon in Greek mythology, and have many children together. 

Clarke felt a sense of familiarity in the story of Ariadne. She too had fallen in love and sacrificed her relationship with her father for someone she loved, only for them to later abandon her and much like Dionysus, Bellamy had seemingly appeared out of nowhere. The one thing about the story that Clarke couldn’t quite grasp was how willing Ariadne was to marry Dionysus in spite of her past and the fact they had barely known each other. Didn’t Ariadne fear she would once again be abandoned?

The sound of Bellamy tearing the wrapping paper tore Clarke from her thoughts. As she watched his eyes cautiously scan the painting her stomach pooled with dread. What if he didn’t like it? What if it was too much? Sure he had seen a glimpse of her art the morning after their first night together but this was a different kind of personal. His eyes met hers and she involuntarily squirmed in her seat under his heated gaze, now she was the nervous one. She swallowed down her nerves and spoke tentatively, “it’s okay if you don’t like it, uhm, I can get you something else or-”

“No I love it,” he grinned. She wasn’t sure if it was that sixth drink she had earlier or a trick of the dim bar lighting but it looked as if a sense of pride had washed over him.

“Figures you’d give him something nerdy,” Murphy said. “Are you trying to take the best friend title from me?”

Thankful for Murphy’s constant need to be the center of attention she joked, “Maybe I am.” 

The group had turned to look at Jasper expectedly as he was the last of the group to give Bellamy a present. He scowled at Clarke before he handed the gift bag over to Bellamy. 

Bellamy pulled out what looked to be a bundle of patterned fabric.

“Socks? You got him socks?” Raven questioned.

“Socks are practical!” Jasper exasperated, “it’s not my fault he’s so hard to shop for. Besides, it wouldn’t have been a big deal if Clarke hadn’t gone the extravagantly sentimental route.”

Clarke ducked her head to hide her embarrassment as her cheeks turned a deep shade of red. The sound of Bellamy’s laugh put her at ease almost immediately, the same way the sound of waves crashing can comfort you and lull you into a peaceful sleep. She looked up to find him smiling at Jasper with a hand on his shoulder. She never wanted that smile to go away.

“Jasper, the socks are great, I love them.”

She watched Jasper relax and felt herself do the same. 

“Clarke, will you help me with the cake?” Murphy called out.

On her way to the kitchen, she stopped to look back at her friends. Bellamy had fit into her life seamlessly, he looked so happy sitting there surrounded by everyone. How could she threaten to ruin the peaceful balance they had? Whether she put an end to their relationship or told him how she felt, nothing would be the same. She chastised him for putting her in this situation, for being so perfect she couldn’t help but fall in love with him… _love_ , shit, she was actually in love with him. Despite her best efforts, she fell in love with him.

She inhaled deeply before turning and heading back to the kitchen to help Murphy. When she walked in he was carefully placing a three candle into the middle of the cake.

“That was some gift,” he mocked.

“Shut up Murphy.” She didn’t have the time or patience for his antics because she was having a crisis over the fact she was fucking in love with Bellamy Blake.

“So you finally realized it huh?”

Clarke looked over at him with a furrowed brow as he placed the zero candle on the cake next. She thought maybe she was hearing things, possibly going crazy, until he looked up at her for a brief moment like he was waiting for her to play catch up. “What?” she questioned.

“You finally realized you’re in love with Bellamy,” he said as if it were the most obvious thing in the world. “Are you going to tell him?”

She wanted to tell him more than anything, god she ached to just walk up to him and kiss him in front of everyone and tell him, but it wasn’t about what she wanted, it was about what was best for Bellamy. She didn’t trust the words that might spill out so she shook her head. 

“I won’t tell you how much I think you deserve to be happy, because I’m sure Miller will probably lecture you enough for the both of us if he hasn’t already, but I don’t think you should let your past dictate your future, I know that better than anyone,” he exhaled. Defeat lined his features. They had many conversations similar to this one and each time Clarke would dismiss him completely, she couldn’t blame him for giving up hope on her. If she was honest she was kind of surprised someone like Murphy had held out as long as he did. 

“Just promise you’ll let him down easy,” he exhaled, walking out with the cake.

As he left Clarke was overcome with dread that she would have to push down and deal with later. She pulled herself together as best she could for the sake of Bellamy’s birthday before she joined her friends just in time to sing ‘Happy Birthday’.

For the rest of the night, she was able to keep her anxiety at bay with the help of another drink or two. When it was time to go home, she looked pleadingly at Murphy hoping he would agree to give her a ride home so she could avoid being alone with Bellamy. She made the mistake of hugging him goodbye because it only made it that much harder to let him go.


	7. Afterglow

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> well, we've reached the halfway mark... not sure how many of you are still with me but if you are i am extremely grateful! hopefully you like this chapter, just remember there's a happy ending i promise. if you want to yell at me feel free to do so on twitter or tumblr @shaeheda

One week. That’s how long it took for things to completely fall apart. One week after Bellamy’s birthday to be exact. 

Clarke had tried to hold on to their bliss for as long as she could but in a split second, it slipped through her fingers and came crashing down at her feet. 

Their morning had been going really well.

Bellamy had woken her up by trailing kisses along her right shoulder, pulling her close to his chest. Her eyes fluttered open from a sleep filled with dreams of him and the freckles that danced across his tan skin. She had dreamt of a future where her past didn’t linger behind her like a shadow ready to swallow her whole. In her dream, Bellamy loved her and he wasn’t afraid to say it, unlike her.

“Mmm,” she moaned sleepily. “You interrupted my dream.” A lazy smile appeared on her face.

His beard tickled the side of her face slightly, breath hot on her cheek as he whispered, “What does dream Bellamy have that I don’t?”

She snuck a peek at him from over her shoulder. “Who said I was dreaming about you?” she teased.

In one swift motion, he maneuvered himself so that he was hovering over her so close she wouldn’t even have to lean up very far to kiss him. 

“Did dream Bellamy make you breakfast?” he asked.

Her eyes dipped down to his lips, the heat of his gaze almost too intense, she shook her head. She promised herself she would try to put some distance between them since she realized how in love with him she was, but all it had taken was one bad phone call with her mom for her to break that promise and knock on his door.

“Well, why don’t you hop in the shower while I start breakfast?” He leaned down to place a chaste kiss on her lips.

“Or, you could join me in the shower and we can make breakfast together,” she suggested 

His eyes locked on hers, “how about I join you in the shower, and then I make breakfast while you get ready for the day?” He leaned down once more to kiss her. Her mind always had this issue, where she was constantly apprehensive of ulterior motives lurking under the surface of kisses and smiles and she was beginning to get that feeling, the feeling it was a distraction tactic, she just hadn’t figured out for what yet. 

“Are you trying to keep me out of the kitchen?” she leaned back dodging his attempted kiss and furrowed her brow. 

“Absolutely, I like my apartment, I would hate for it to burn down,” he smiled.

She swatted his chest playfully. 

“Jerk,” she chuckled. 

She slid out from under him and made her way to the bathroom. When she turned on the faucet she noticed he hadn’t followed her into the bathroom. She walked back to the bedroom and found him still lying in bed. This was something she could get used to, mornings spent with him in his bed and showers together. 

Clarke leaned against the door frame with her arms crossed. “Well, are we showering or what?”

His head lifted from the mattress and his eyes widened in surprise, almost like he wasn’t expecting her to be there. He got up and started to walk towards her with an adoring smile stretched across his face. He stopped in front of her and tucked a piece of hair behind her ear that had gone rogue from her braid.

“What were you thinking about?” she questioned.

Something in his eyes told her he had been deep in thought when she walked in, but instead of telling her what he had been thinking about, he brushed her off. “It was nothing.”

A mischievous smile appeared on his lips before he bent down to pick her up and throw her over his shoulder, making his way to the bathroom as she squealed. 

“Bellamy, what are you doing? Put me down!”

When they made it to the bathroom they were both in a fit of giggles. He helped strip her of her clothes first before he removed his own. 

Their shower was this dance of domesticity. Clarke stood under the stream of water with her back turned to Bellamy as he lathered her hair with shampoo and when it was time to wash it out she turned and curled into his chest as he rinsed away the suds. She wanted more than anything for him to wrap his arms around her and tell her things would be okay, that he would protect her from the darkness lurking within her, that there would be better days ahead with him by her side. Maybe then she wouldn’t have to end this and maybe they could really be together. Maybe they could go on dates and she would introduce him to her parents and she could meet his sister and they would say ‘I love you’ and move in together and she would be someone who didn’t constantly fret over doing or saying the wrong thing.

They moved gracefully around each other as Bellamy shifted to step under the stream of water next. She thought about how well they worked together in seemingly every aspect of life and it made her heartache, ache for a life she wanted, but would never have because Lexa had convinced her long ago that from the moment she touched something good it became tainted and it would only be a matter of time before her darkness took hold to snuff out the light completely. She couldn’t let that happen, wouldn’t allow it to. He was benevolent and he deserved to stay that way. 

Because of their height difference, Clarke opted to wash his body as he washed his hair. In gentle circular motions, she lathered the body wash across his back and down his arms with the loofa. She watched as the water washed away the suds wishing it would wash away all her worries. 

“Turn around,” she murmured.

When he did, he looked at her with such gravity she couldn’t hold his gaze for long, so she focused on washing his chest as dread filled in hers. She wished, for once, she could just enjoy a moment with him without the doubts and the what if’s bouncing around in her mind, but she would never be that lucky. He placed a gentle kiss on her forehead and she shut her eyes in an attempt to remember every detail about it as if it would be the last. He reached for the loofa in her hands and worked the body wash over her curves as she did her best to commit every freckle of his to memory, knowing she would never be this close to him again. 

Bellamy placed a kiss on her lips before stepping out to grab them both towels as she rinsed off. By the time she was done and had turned off the faucet, he stood before her with a towel wrapped around his waist holding out one for her.

“You get ready for the day and I’ll start breakfast,” he winked.

She milled about his room, taking in every detail, memorizing the small library that had outgrown his bookshelf and the way he had started to pile books on the floor because there just wasn’t enough room. 

Clarke walked over to his dresser and traced her fingers along with the smooth, dark wood. She pulled open the top left drawer and saw a few items of her clothing like she knew she would, she just didn’t know opening a drawer would hurt this much. She quickly pulled out a pair of high waisted light wash Levi’s and an old tan sweater that was once her dad’s. He left it at their old house after he moved out, but before the divorce, Clarke had commandeered it for herself to comfort her that first night without him around. 

Pulling the sweater over her head did little to alleviate her trepidation. Despite it being oversized it felt tight, suffocating. Maybe it was Bellamy’s room, being steps away from his bed surrounded by his things made it all too much. She couldn’t afford to have him walk in on her mid breakdown so she made her escape to the bathroom before she completely fell apart. 

Her hand trembled as she reached to take her toothbrush from its place in the holder next to his sink. Was this really what she wanted, to break her own heart? No, not really. But part of her couldn’t help but feel like this is what she deserved, this pain. She didn’t deserve to be happy, according to Lexa, she wasn’t a good enough person. Ever since then, Happiness was like this heavy weight in her chest making it hard to breathe. Bellamy had done everything right, he was the complete opposite of Lexa. He never once made her feel insecure or crazy the way Lexa had. He listened to her and was there without her having to ask. He had this way of making her feel secure enough to enjoy their time together without her being on edge that something could go wrong at any moment. She didn’t deserve someone as kind as him, not when she was so selfish. He deserved better than her, better than what she could give him.

She mindlessly brushed her teeth while she thought about how things might change with their friends. Miller and Murphy, and likely Emori, all knew what had transpired between Clarke and Bellamy, so when this was all over would they take sides? Surely it wouldn’t come to that, but if it did would they take her side or his? She rinsed the toothpaste out of her mouth and turned around to lean against the sink as she tried to understand how this rational fear of being alone and needing to push everyone away could coexist within her. 

It was as if Bellamy could sense her downward spiral, he appeared in the bathroom doorway like a knight in shining armor wanting to save her, unfortunately, she was long past being saved. 

“Breakfast is ready,” he said, giving her a smile that made her heart flutter.

“Okay,” she said, but she didn’t make a move to remove herself from her spot leaned against the counter.   
  


“Hey.” He came to stand in front of her. “What’s going on in that head of yours?” He placed a comforting kiss on her forehead and when he pulled away, she noticed the concern that coated his features.

She smirked. “Anyone ever tell you you worry too much?”

“My sister, all the time.” He placed hands on her arms and looked at her intently. “But you didn’t answer my question.”

“Well,” she pulled on his belt loops to bring him closer, “I was thinking about how you are wearing far too many clothes.”

“Breakfast is waiting,” he smiled. Bellamy always looked at her like there was something worth looking at and she never wanted him to stop looking at her like that.

“I think we should work up an appetite first,” she said, snaking her hands underneath his shirt.

There was a hungry look in his eyes that prompted her to strip him of his shirt, discarding it to the side. Her body flushed with a craving for his touch. It was like he could tell what she needed without her having to say anything. Almost immediately his hands found their way underneath her sweater and trailed her curves upwards before he pulled it over her head and tossed it in the direction of where his shirt had been thrown seconds earlier. Her eyes drank in every bit of him savoring every flex of his muscles and the way it made her feel warm all over. 

Subconsciously she rubbed her legs together to create some friction but it didn’t satisfy her in the way she hoped it would. Bellamy must have taken note of her eagerness by the way his hands quickly found the waistband of her jeans and unbuttoned them. He placed chaste kisses across her chest, focused on one spot, in particular, that was sure to leave a mark. She would later stare at in the mirror to remember this moment. She felt the heat of his touch as his fingers pulled the cup of her bra down, giving him the opportunity to press his mouth to the soft skin of her exposed breast for an electrifying and drawn-out moment before his mouth moved its way down the rest of her frame.

Her body shivered slightly at the newly exposed skin as he pulled at her jeans and worked his way down along every inch of her legs until they were off completely. He placed a gentle kiss on the silky fabric of her underwear. 

“Baby, you’re so wet, is this all for me?” his voice coated in lust. 

His fingers gently toyed with the elastic before he pulled them down at an agonizingly slow pace causing her throat to go dry so she could do nothing but hastily nod. 

With her leg lifted, placed on top of his beautifully broad shoulder he arranged tender kisses along her inner thigh which caused her breath to involuntarily hitch. His eyes locked on hers and he had the audacity to look smug. Though, she couldn’t really complain about the way he was taking his time. Inside she was going insane but she wanted their last time together to last as long as possible. Being with him in this way was like playing with fire, riding the edge of euphoria and complete destruction. If she could just forget about her tainted past she would throw caution to the wind and just  _ be _ with him in every way possible. Any coherent thought of hers was completely forgotten the moment his tongue traced up her slit.

She couldn’t help but spare a glance down to marvel at the sight of his head between her legs as his tongue worked tantalizing circles on her clit. After today she would only ever have memories of him like this to get by, but that hurt too much to think about. Just when she was worked up just enough he removed his mouth to tease her with a kiss just outside of where she wanted him.

Bellamy had never teased her this much. It was obvious he was trying his best to drag this out like he too wanted this moment to last forever. Did he somehow know this time would be their last? Had he sensed her pulling away over the last week? Was this an effort to get closer to her? All these questions abandoned the second his mouth returned to her clit. 

Her head fell back as ecstasy bloomed through her core and once the pace of his tongue quickened so did her breath. Anything Bellamy has ever done in her presence has always been done with attentiveness and this was no different, he listened for every moan and hitch of breath to help him guide her to orgasm. 

There was one last  _ ‘god, right there’ _ from Clarke before she was writhing with pleasure above him. At some point, he stood up, though she wasn’t sure when, but there he was with his lips on hers and she was able to taste a bit of herself on him still and it’s almost enough for her to utter three of the most dangerous words she knew but before she could his forehead met hers and he murmured  _ ‘that’s it baby’ _ to help coax her down.

Like magnets, their lips found each other with urgency. Bellamy pulled away and looked at Clarke mischievously before he placed his hands on her shoulders to turn her around. His hand reached around her waist and he started to rub lazy circles on her clit with his calloused fingers, not that she really needed the help because just looking at him was enough to make her wet. 

With his other hand, he lined himself up with her entrance and pushed in slowly, inch by inch. She tried to be patient, she really did, but she couldn’t take the agony of not being full of him so she backed up into him slightly and let out a breathy moan the moment he filled her up completely. Her moan was like the green light he needed, he accelerated his thrusts in quick succession. It wasn’t drawn out and slow as she hoped for their last time, instead, it was quick and rough and full of desperation.

Clarke got a quick glimpse of their reflection in the bathroom mirror and couldn’t tear her eyes away even if she wanted to. Watching them fuck was this crazed out of body experience she never had before, a different point of view to remember their time together. She watched as he brushed her hair to the side so he could kiss her shoulder, his chest flush against her back, all while fucking her senseless. His eyes flickered up and his gaze caught hers, she could feel his smile against her skin and instantly she knew, this was his intention all along. 

“Fuck you feel so good inside of me,” her voice cracked as she curled over. “Please don’t stop Bellamy.”

The moment her head dipped down he reached for her wrists. His hands wrapped so tightly around them that she moaned slightly at the pressure. Knowing she would have something to remember this day if his grip was hard enough to leave a trace of his desire. He yanked her arms toward him causing her back to arch and forced her gaze to find its way back to the reflection of them fucking. 

Her orgasm began to rise and she did her best to keep it at bay, even if for a minute. She wanted to enjoy being this close to him for just a little while longer, but Bellamy had other plans. She regretted the fact that he knew her so well, knew how she liked it, and knew just the right way to touch her to send her over the edge. She watched him through hooded eyes as he leaned forward to whisper in her ear.

“Mmm,” he moaned, “we look so good together, don’t we.” 

His words were a hurricane that sent her orgasm surging through her. He was right, they did look good together, but they didn’t just look good together they fit perfectly together too, almost like he was made for her and she for him. She didn’t want to let him go but she had to, for his own good. She didn’t trust the words that threatened to spill from her mouth, so instead, she turned to kiss him and hoped that would be enough, one last kiss before she let him go. Kissing him was dangerous, but she felt safe in his presence, so safe that she almost told him how much she loved him right then and there. Bellamy pulled out and she immediately felt the loss of him in more ways than one. 

She came down from her orgasm and it was like falling from heaven straight into hell. 

Their breakfast had gotten cold by the time they made it to the kitchen. Clarke set out the place settings and fruit while Bellamy reheated the rest of the food. They weren’t normally this quiet after sex, usually, the room was full of laughs and playful banter, but this suffocating tension filled the room and she was afraid it was only about to get worse. If Bellamy noticed something different he didn’t voice it, which only made Clarke more anxious. 

Bellamy had set the reheated food on the table and took his seat across from her. For the past couple of months, she had found his presence to be comforting, but not this time, this time she felt sick to her stomach. He made all this food and she couldn’t bring herself to eat any of it. She reached for some berries to give her hands something to do other than tremble. 

She swallowed her nerves like she swallowed the berry. “I think we should stop having sex,“ she blurted.

“What?”

“I think we should stop-” she trailed, unable to look at him just yet.

“No I heard you the first time, I guess I just thought I’d heard you wrong.” He shook his head like he was trying to sort out his thoughts. "It's not like I saw this coming, I need a minute to process."

Her head shot up to catch his gaze. He looked something along the lines of disappointed, which surprised her. “Do you think we should stop having sex too?” It was different when it was just her idea, but if it was his too then it would hurt a hell of a lot more than she thought it would.

“No that’s not what I-” he stopped himself from explaining further. “What do you mean you want to stop having sex? Did I do something wrong?” he questioned.

“No! Of course not, I just think we need to take a step back, for a while at least.” Maybe she could get her feelings for him under control, maybe if they spent enough time apart the feelings would go away completely.  _ ‘Don’t be stupid, Clarke.’ _ she chastised herself. “I’ve just got a lot going on, there’s this art show coming up and it’s my first featured show, I just really need to focus on that right now.”

“Okay, so we don’t hang out as much, that doesn’t mean we need to stop seeing each other completely,” his voice broke. 

“Look, I’m going to be really busy preparing for this art show and I’m not going to have time for anything other than painting and work, I think it’s just best if we-” Her eyes left him, but she still felt the heat of his stare on her.

“Oh come on, Clarke,” he pleaded. 

“No, Bellamy, I’m serious, this art show could be really good for my career I can’t risk that by having distractions and having sex with you is most certainly a distraction.” She wondered how many times she would have to say it before she could convince herself it was true.

“That’s bullshit,” he said. 

“What?” She looked at him with wide and questioning eyes. Panic coursed through her veins and her muscles tensed.

“You’re scared.”

“I’m not, I’m not scared.” How had she let him get close enough to know that it was really in the things she wasn’t saying? She had been so focused on trying to control how much she shared with him, but somewhere along the way, he had charmed her into letting a layer of her wall down just enough to know her, enough for him to be able to look at her to know what she was going to say or do. “I just can’t afford to have any distractions right now, this show is really important to me.” 

“Maybe, but I don’t think you’re being completely honest with me or yourself, I think there’s something more going on here and you just don’t want to admit it.” He couldn’t leave well enough alone.

“Don’t think you know me, Bellamy, because you don’t,” she spat. Clarke was doing her best to hold herself together and not completely fuck this up past the point of no return, past the point of them being able to be friends once all was said and done.

“We’ve spent practically every day over the last two/three months together, I know you a lot better than you think I do,” he looked at her with this expression she couldn’t quite read. 

She had gotten so good at reading him, but at this moment everything she thought she knew about him had been abandoned. Now, he was practically a stranger, the guy from the bar and the cafe who had made her feel comfortable and was willing to go along with what she wanted was not the guy that stood in front of her. The guy that stood in front of her was challenging her as if he knew the real reason she was ending things with him.

She inhaled deeply. “Look, you said we could still be friends if one of us calls it quits, I’m hoping that’s still true.”

“Whatever the hell you want, Clarke,” he shook his head. “I’m going for a walk. Don’t forget to lock the door when you leave.”

Watching him walk away was harder than she could ever prepare herself for. She wouldn’t allow herself to break down now, she needed to distract herself. She opted for cleaning up the kitchen and putting the remains of their breakfast in containers to put in the fridge and when that was done, she made her way to his bedroom to collect the rest of her things. A few tears had escaped as she collected her toothbrush from the bathroom. 

Catching a glimpse of her reflection was the catalyst for her breakdown. She turned around unable to stand the sight of herself and slid down the cabinet as her body wracked with sobs. Was this really what she deserved? Was this really what she wanted? Could she really let Bellamy go just like that?

Clarke had always felt this weird sense of relief when she saw acceptance flash across someone’s face that she had lied to, but this was nothing like that. This time she was filled with anguish and regret. She collected herself as best she could, picked herself off the floor, and grabbed her things. She thought maybe she could leave him a note like maybe it would be easier to say the things she wanted without his knowing eyes on her. Ultimately she decided against it because the damage was done and there was always that possibility it would just make things worse. 

She took one last look at his apartment, cataloging memories they shared cuddled on the couch binge-watching Netflix or the time she tried to make chocolate chip cookies from scratch and they ended up getting into a fight hurtling dough at each other from across the kitchen. She wiped one last tear as she shut his door, simultaneously shutting the door on the possibility that they could be anything more than friends. A sliver of doubt that they could even be that had worked its way into her thoughts by the time she made it home. She walked through her apartment and realized it wasn’t really home because Bellamy felt like home, or at least he was beginning to before she went and fucked that up.


	8. Some Devil

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is a bit shorter than the rest, but ahhh WE HIT 100 KUDOS! thank you guys so much for reading this story you have no idea what it means to me! I appreciate you all so so much! This will be the last update for the next couple weeks (don't worry I'll come back to finish), but I've been working on my Bellarke Big Bang fic and so the first installment of that will be posted in about 2 weeks! Hopefully you enjoy the angst in this chapter! I love you all and if you want to yell at me you can find me @shaeheda on all platforms :)

_ ‘Hey, babe, are you almost done getting ready? We need to leave in five minutes if we want to make it on time.’ _

_ Clarke looked in the mirror and put the finishing touches on her lipstick as a smile stretched across her face. She took one last look at herself before she made her way to the living room. She was anything but surprised to find him on the couch reading an old tattered copy of The Iliad. She watched him fondly as a crease formed in his brow, clearly lost in the words of Homer.  _

_ “We’re gonna be late if you don’t hurry up,” she joked. _

_ His book abandoned on the couch, he walked over to her and placed a gentle kiss on her lips. “You look beautiful,” he said with affection. “Are you ready to go?” She took the arm he offered her and they made their way out the front door.  _

_ Despite her terrible taste in music, Bellamy let her have control of the radio. She was tapping her fingers along to the melody of a Taylor Swift song when he reached over and grabbed her hand. She felt every ounce of his love for her in his touch as he brought their hands to his lips and placed a chaste kiss on their interlocked fingers. _

_ “So, I was thinking,” she trailed off. _

_ “That’s dangerous, almost as dangerous as you in the kitchen,” he said. _

_ She swatted him playfully “Ass! You’re lucky I love you, you know that.” _

_ “Yeah, I do.” Another kiss to their intertwined hands. _

_ “So I was thinking we could stop by that really good seafood place we both like on our way home.” _

_ “My girlfriend is a genius,” he turned to her and placed a kiss on her cheek.  _

_ An hour had passed before Bellamy pulled off to the nearest exit so he could get gas. When he stopped in front of one of the pumps Clarke’s muscles were restless and screaming for her to get out of the car and stretch them out.  _

_ For a gas station along the interstate, Clarke expected it to be a lot less deserted. She mosied through the aisles of the store picking up some snacks and waters. She thanked the cashier and made her way back to Bellamy’s jeep. _

_ The sky outside was a stark contrast to what it had been moments earlier. Coated in a deep blue with winds swirling around her like a warning, trying to gust her away from something dangerous. _

_ She saw a figure leaning against Bellamy’s jeep only the frame was much too small to belong to him. As recognition washed over her, a stillness fell over the streets that weighed her bones down with terror. Clarke takes small tentative steps closer to a feeling she thought she buried long ago.  _

_ When Lexa came into view everything stilled, even the wind held its breath.  _

_ “Where’s Bellamy?” she asked. Clarke didn’t want to know anything more than where Bellamy disappeared to. She didn’t want to know why Lexa was there in front of her because that’s the entrance to a path she knew she shouldn’t go down if she did she isn’t entirely sure she would make it back in one piece. _

_ “You drove him away, Clarke,” Lexa said with false empathy. “I can’t really blame him for not wanting to stick around.” _

_ “What are you talking about? He wouldn’t leave me.” Panic rose in her chest and hands trembled at her sides. _

_ Lexa laughed as she walked closer. The color of the sky had suddenly adjusted to a shroud pitch black, not a sliver of light anywhere to be found. Clarke questioned if this was her doing and if she was the reason for all this darkness. _

_ “You may not think he would leave you, Clarke, but he did,” Lexa asserted.  _

_ “I don’t understand, why would he leave?”  _

_ “Oh babe, I wouldn’t expect you to understand,” she said brushing a piece of hair out of Clarke’s face. “He couldn’t put up with you anymore, all the neediness and how you only care about your problems, make everything about you, how unreliable you are, you’re just too much of a burden for him.” _

_ “No, that’s not true.” _

_ “He’s not the only one who feels this way, you know, all of your friends and family do too. They all talk about how much of a failure you are and how disappointed they are in you. You could’ve amounted to something great, but instead, you work in a bar,” Lexa pouted mockingly. “Why do you think we broke up?” _

_ Anger fueled her. A spark ignited from within her chest giving her enough strength to refute Lexa’s accusations.  _

_ “We broke up because I finally saw you for the manipulative bitch you are!” _

_ “Maybe that’s what you tell yourself, what you need to believe so you can sleep at night, but don’t forget Clarke, I was the one providing for you, always waiting for you to get your big break as an artist, paying for everything so you could afford your art supplies and always making excuses for you with my colleagues and family and friends so dating you wouldn’t be a complete embarrassment. For a while, I thought you’d make it as an artist, but you never did. I guess you weren’t good enough for that either,” Lexa said. _

_ “No! You’re lying,” Clarke shouted. _

_ “Am I?” she inquired. “Think about it, think about every time I supported you and you couldn’t be bothered to do the same for me.” _

_ Instinctually Clarke knew this was just Lexa trying to make her out to be the bad guy, guilt her into believing she had been the reason for everything wrong in their relationship. It wasn’t the first time. Lexa may have forgotten all the times Clarke was there for her, but Clarke never would. She would always remember the way Lexa would criticize and pick her apart before they went out in public together when Clarke had to be by Lexa’s side to make her look good at events because that’s what good girlfriends do. She would never forget all the ultimatums that had been forced upon her or all the instances in which she missed being there for her friends in favor of being there for Lexa in her time of need.  _

_ None of that would change just because Lexa refused to acknowledge it. Even now, Lexa stood there trying to keep score of all the times she had been there for Clarke, holding it over her head like it was evidence of what Clarke owed her. She couldn’t bear to listen to this anymore.  _

_ “This is just a dream, you’re not real,” she said, willing herself to wake up. Dark clouds oozed and billowed above her.  _

_ “You know I’m right, Clarke,” Lexa taunted. _

_ A bolt of lightning had split the midnight sky in two and jolted her awake. _

Ten minutes passed before her breath evened out. Ten crippling minutes of wishing Bellamy was there to hold and help calm her, of wishing she wasn’t so fucked up so they could be together, the way they were in her dream. 

The realization that she would be working with Bellamy today sent her heart crashing into her ribcage. They hadn’t seen or spoken to each other in the three days since she ended things. She had no idea where his head was at. If they would still be friends after everything and that worried her. Losing him was the last thing she wanted. Clarke was this walking contradiction of letting people go to protect them, but not able to rid herself of them completely because she couldn’t bear to lose them. Maybe that made her selfish. She didn’t care. 

She felt a pull in her gut as she made her way to the kitchen to make a cup of coffee. Making coffee in the morning had been something they did together. She would place the filter and grounds into the machine as Bellamy filled it with water. While the coffee he was brewing he would start to make breakfast for the two of them, much like their last morning together. The coffee maker beeped to let her know it was done. She poured herself a cup and decided she wasn’t hungry.

Clarke took her cup of coffee to her workspace and started to paint Bellamy’s hands wrapped around hers. Painting them twisted her stomach in knots as she reminisced on what his hands felt like in hers. His hands rough and calloused held on to her like he wasn’t willing to let go, only he did. He didn’t fight for her, for them, at least not very hard. He put up just enough fight for her ego, enough to make her think he cared, but in the end, he walked out on her and that gave her all the confirmation she needed to know she did the right thing. Maybe if he loved her the way she loved him it would be worth the risk. It was obvious he didn’t so she would have to be his friend. If that was all she’d ever be that would be okay, as long as she was in his life and he in hers that would be enough.

Hours passed and she was putting the finishing touches on her painting by adding a few freckles to his hands when her alarm wrung out and broke the peaceful silence that had coated her apartment. That alarm told her it was time to get ready for work and time to face Bellamy. A flicker of excitement sparked within her for a short moment before it was washed out by dread. She had forgotten what had transpired between them three days prior. She tried not to think about the fact that she would have to face him. She didn’t know where she stood with him and that terrified her. She tried not to think about the ways their relationship might have changed in the last three days as she showered and got ready.

When she walked through the door she was greeted with the familiar sound of Anya’s rock music. It was comforting to know some things would never change.

Bellamy had already started the opening duties by the time she came back from putting her things away in the back. Despite the loud rock music playing, a cumbersome silence hung in the air. She contemplated letting it sit between them, let the awkwardness blow over on its own. Growing up as an only child with parents who weren’t around because they worked too much she got used to the quiet and found comfort in it, but this was different. This silence made her restless.

She walked over to the front door to unlock it and flip on the open sign. She walked back to the bar and the pit in her stomach only grew. She longed to hear his voice. It was obvious she’d have to be the one to start the conversation since he seemed hell-bent on ignoring her. The only problem was that she didn’t know what to say. Everything she tried out in her head seemed futile.

“Hey,” she blurted out. 

There were probably more intellectual openings than that but they had all escaped her.  _ ‘God, you’re such a fucking idiot.’ _ She just wished she could take it all back, falling for him, sleeping with him, even befriending him. She would never have to know this pain or have to stare at herself in the mirror and see the gaping hole he left in her heart.

Sure, she was the one who asked for space and maybe Bellamy was just trying to give her that but something about it felt off like the connection that was once between them was severed, she looked down only to find she was the one holding the knife. This was entirely her fault, she couldn’t run or hide from that fact. Realistically she knew he didn’t care for her, at least not in the same way she did for him, but a small part of her hoped. Regardless if he didn’t feel the same way

_ ‘You’re such a drama queen,’ _ Lexa’s voice said.

“Hey.” A quick glance from him in her direction was all he offered. His tone was void of its usual warmth, a part of her expected it, but she wasn’t prepared for the way in which the guilt seized control of her heart. 

All throughout the opening of the bar, she and Bellamy were at odds, bumping into each other constantly. Unsettled eyes that cast glances around the room to avoid catching each other. There was an awkward silence that took place of their usual playful banter. Everything about them felt painfully out of place. 

She lingered awkwardly in the space next to him. “I just wanted to make sure things were okay between us,” she said.

“Everything’s fine, Clarke.” Something about the way he said her name didn't sit right with her. Gone was the loving and endearing tone he once used. All of a sudden her name was laced with bitterness and betrayal. A piece of her armor cracked and she felt weakened.

He turned to walk away to the other end of the bar where some customers had sat down. He was getting good at that, walking away, and she was getting awfully good at letting him. 

A laugh from across the room broke her train of thought. She looked over to where the sound came from and suddenly wished she hadn’t. She watched as Bellamy leaned across the bar with a smile aimed at a beautiful brunette. The world around her stopped. The girl was beautiful, really, and if it was three months ago Clarke might have tried to flirt with her and take her home. But it wasn’t and she had to watch as Bellamy flirted with the pretty girl across the bar. 

Another customer at the opposite end of the room had gotten her attention. She walked over to take their order, creating a distance between her and Bellamy that she feared would be more than just physical and maybe end up permanent.

Moments like that, when she felt tossed to the side and forgotten, was when she wanted to run back to Lexa the most. She had to fight the urge to reach for her phone with trembling fingers. 

The minutes ticked by and the urge to text Lexa was slowly driving her insane. She knew better than to actually text her ex and besides, she wasn’t even sure Lexa would even take her back at this point. That was just one level of humiliation she couldn’t take.

Instead, she relied heavily on the bar patrons to keep her mind occupied. Usually that was Bellamy’s job, he always told her stories or jokes or even had the occasional argument over Ancient Rome versus Ancient Greek, but he was indisposed and even though he said things were fine between them, something in his tone told her that they weren’t. 

Throughout the night Bellamy would serve customers and go back to flirt with the pretty curly-haired brunette. Clarke would look away pretending like she hadn’t seen like she wasn’t hurt by the sight of someone other than her making him laugh. 

She needed a distraction of her own and there was an attractive guy at the end of the bar that seemed to fit the bill. Clarke made her way over to him with her best flirtatious smile.

“What can I get for you?” She leaned over the bar just enough for the guy on the other side to get a peek at her cleavage. Even if he wasn’t up for- well truth be told she didn’t really have an idea for where she wanted their interaction to go. Even if he wasn’t up to entertaining her flirtations she’d at least get a decent tip out of it. 

The noise of the crowd and the music had drowned out the sound of the glass of whiskey he purchased being slid across the bar. Clarke lifted her eyes from where his fingertips purposely graced hers, a sign he was definitely interested. The longer she looked at him the more she saw that he was someone her mother would likely set her up with. It’s not like he wasn’t attractive, because he was, he just carried himself in a way that people who grew up with money tend to do like he could get his way if he flashed his fancy watch and charming smile. Frankly she didn’t really care, she just needed to get Bellamy off her mind. At least for the night.

“Someone’s jealous,” he smiled coyly.

“What?”

“Your coworker is staring at us and he doesn’t look happy.”

At that moment her willpower to not look in Bellamy’s direction could have won a Nobel prize. “Oh, don’t worry about him, he’s a perpetual grump. He’s probably just mad I’m not serving the other people,” she brushed him off.

“That’s definitely not a ‘get back to work’ look. That’s a ‘stop flirting with my girlfriend’ look,” he snickered.

Her curiosity won out and she turned to look in Bellamy’s direction. The curls on his head shifted ever so slightly as if maybe he had been watching Clarke flirt with the cute bar patron whose name she couldn’t be bothered to remember. The likelihood that he had in fact been watching her was slim to none, not when he had a gorgeous brunette standing across from him smiling and flirting. There was no way.

The bar was slow, even for a Wednesday night and Clarke had been caught between trying to ignore Bellamy and the girl he was flirting with, Gina, and also seem interested in whatever Cillian droned on about. Clarke had gathered she was here with some friends to celebrate a promotion when they roped her into doing shots with them. All in all Gina was nice and exactly the kind of girl Bellamy should be spending time with. Everything Clarke wasn’t.

As the night wore on, the bar began to clear out leaving Gina, her friends long gone, and Cillian. The only reason Clarke continued to let Cillian hang around was that Gina was there and being the third wheel to whatever pseudo date the night was resembling was not her idea of fun. 

When it was time to close the bar she wasn’t exactly thrilled at the prospect of being consumed by the awkward silence that was sure to settle between her and Bellamy, but she found herself immersed in it all the same. She was half tempted to just send him on his way with the pretty brunette so she could be left to sulk in peace but she’d rather not stay in the bar any longer than she had to. No, it was filled with too many memories of him. It was crazy, she had worked in that bar long before Bellamy came into the picture, and yet there wasn’t a single corner in that place he didn’t occupy.

After what felt like hours they finished closing up the bar. Clarke was the first to walk out the door and she halted the second she saw Gina, presumably waiting outside for Bellamy. She watched as a smile spread across Gina’s face but before she had the chance to wonder why the brunette would have smiled at her she felt a broad chest slam into her back. The force was enough to jar her thoughts completely.

“Sorry,” she said nervously. He seemed to have that effect on her now.

He didn’t acknowledge her though and it stung just a little if she was being honest. But she didn’t have time to dwell on it as she watched him put his arm around her. She stood there shell shocked, no matter how hard she tried to move her legs to take her anywhere but there. 

“Do you need us to walk you home?”

The mere thought of having to walk home with Bellamy and the girl he’s obviously going to sleep with, a girl that wasn’t her is enough to make her nauseous.

“I think I can take it from here,” Cillian says. It’s only then that she noticed him. 

She would in no way call him a knight in shining armor but well he did kind of save her just then. Her eyes flicker to Bellamy and he had a look similar to the one he had in the bar, only it’s different, maybe it’s laced with hurt, but that could just be the three shots she took when he wasn’t looking.

“Yeah you guys go ahead, I’ll be fine,” she stated. She didn’t quite believe the words as they left her mouth but she hoped that eventually they’d become true. She turned around to pull down and lock the front gate. With her back turned to Bellamy it allowed her to compose herself in a way that would make it easy to look at him walk off with a beautiful woman who seemed to be everything she wasn’t and not completely break down.

When she turned around Bellamy remained there on the sidewalk with his arm around Gina. She didn’t have to look at them for long. He nodded and turned around to walk toward the subway entrance. 

“Lead the way,” Cillian said. 

Clarke hadn’t actually decided if she would sleep with him. She spent the entire walk weighing the pros and cons. She kept coming back to the fact that it might help her get over Bellamy and while the idea sounded nice she wasn’t sure if she was ready for that quite yet. Of all the things in her life Clarke was willing to give up she never thought Bellamy would be on that list. Yet as they closed the distance to her apartment she found herself thinking that maybe it was for the best.

  
  



End file.
